Split

Split

08.05.2019

I must confess, I’m quite a bit proud of myself. After I had drunk too much yesterday without any reason and was again tempted today to prepare some delicious mixed drinks, I did not succumb to it and remained alcohol-free. That’s in consideration of the fact that I neither exercised nor was productive in any other way today and also suffer from a certain sleep deficit, which in turn leads to less self-control, not such a bad yield of the day. Furthermore, I saw Endgame in the cinema for the second time. Conclusion: Yup, still a damn good film. In addition, I took another step towards normalizing my social behavior by asking Natalia whether we finally wanted to meet in person. She seems to be a very reasonable, consistent person with clear ideas about life. Almost the exact opposite of my own broken personality. What could possibly go wrong? Probably everything. Which, considering my background of experience, wouldn’t be so far off, of course, but in the end there are hardly any other options left to me than to try again. Which, of course, immediately raises the question of how I should talk to her about my whole self-drama. In my recent messages I have tried to at least let a hint of it echo, but the actual dimensions of the rat’s tail of my psyche can only be guessed based on them. On the other hand, waiting too long would be counterproductive and unfair. From this point of view, this could even lead to somewhat absurd and amusing situations: And how did you get to know each other? Oh, as usual during online dating and on the first date, I explained that I’ve been fighting with borderline for years, regularly injuring myself, conducting a dysfunctional relationship life and in general I’m the most unsuitable person for something like a life together. So the usual stuff. But I could also show her these lines here. Then I could save myself the many words and would have settled the most difficult part. Natalia, if you ever read this and I was crazy enough to let you share these thoughts: If you still want to spend time with me somehow, I would feel incredibly honored. Not only because I’m incredibly picky and think one could have a pretty good time with you, but also because very few neurotypical people get along with people like me. Well, who can blame them? After all I’ve been through in the last few years, it’s hardly surprising. But it gets better. Let’s see what my condition looks like after my stay at the clinic. Maybe after that, completely new options will open up again. At least it’s a realistic start, I think. My thoughts are jumping again. Should she actually read this here or only this short section above? That could possibly lead to more questions and confusion. Oh, it’s a misery. Social interactions are often so terribly complicated. In addition there is this whole poly story. How do I explain this? Not only borderliner, but also poly? Oh, boy. Experience has shown that this is not a good combination. Whereby, the last time was the story between Annabelle and I. From the beginning it wasn’t headed in a good direction anyway. Combine two unstable borderliners and you have – bingo, a huge, emotional drama that will fuck up at least one side properly. Unfortunately it was, once again, not mine. I should never have gotten involved. She did what I’ve been trying in vain for years: building something like a normal life. When someone like me steps into her life, it naturally causes quite a bit of upheaval. All the signs from the beginning indicated that it’s not a damn good idea if we both get involved and yet we did. Does she still think about it? We haven’t exchanged a single word in months, but hardly a day goes by without me thinking about it. But why? I feel nothing for her. No matter how hard I try, there is nothing left. Then why can’t I stop thinking about it? Is it self-pity? Am I looking for justification? Salvation? Catharsis is nonsense, so certainly not after that. But then what is it? Do I want everything to be as it once was? I with a healthy, emotional distance and she also not too close to me? I don’t know. It’s all so complicated. I do not understand my thinking and feelings at all. Once again. I have no idea how to classify and evaluate everything. Sometimes I feel as if I possess the emotional processing capacities of a five-year-old who is simply overwhelmed with himself and the world. Great prospect. Yippieayeh.