Burned Ground

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Breath, you fuck! And calm the fuck down. Just had a discussion with Taira, during which I briefly had the impression that she would resent my objections. Anxiety here I come. I realized in this moment how much the time with Valerie scarred me emotionally even more. Sure, harmony has always been very important to me, but the new dimension of this intensity is something I had not expected. I was fucking crying when Taira’s reaction was just like the decent human being I grew so fond of. Nothing unexpected, of course, but my mind still was anxious about a possible aggressive retaliation. It’s probably not surprising when every reply of the other person flattens the ruins of my soul like an emotional Merkava. Fuck. I’m not crying, you are crying. I’ve finally figured out how to change the page colour of Word to avoid being permanently irradiated by ultra-bright white in the middle of the night. Well, the term “finally” is probably a bit relative, since I didn’t search for it before and what you don’t search for, you often don’t find. In any case, it is now so incredibly much more pleasant to lie in bed at night and write in peace. Phew. Today I put the first morning page online. I had to take care of the English translation being as true to the original as possible. During the next weeks there will be a lot more to come. Maybe the three readers of my blog will like it, too. Originally, I just wanted to use the date of each page as title, but somehow, it’s too boring for me. Often there is at least one central theme running through my reflections, from which you can surely derive some great headlines. Am I half-consciously avoiding the thought of dealing with the whole Valerie issue again? Earlier I involuntarily had to think of Oliver, I think that was his name, from PhilosophyTube. A few months ago, he described in a video how he was emotionally abused by his ex-girlfriend and why he couldn’t admit this to himself for a long time. Maybe it is similar to me. Of course, seen from the outside, I was always on the safe side. Poly and all. But if a loved one regularly inflicts pain on you, it will leave traces, no matter how strong the safety net catching you is. It also doesn’t matter why, according to her, she didn’t know how much it hurt me, even though I said it over and over again. She didn’t believe me or deliberately ignored it. In the end it is also irrelevant, because I can still feel the aftermath. If she ever reads these pages, although I don’t think she will still follow me through the world of social media in a few months, she should know that I am very happy to have finally made the final cut. Rarely before have I dealt with such a toxic person and never before in an emotional way. Maybe this is called poetic justice, because I’m pretty sure that I was that toxic one myself in the eyes of other people a few years ago. What an irony. I think when she reads this, her first reaction will be something like “Well, suck it up, snowflake”. Hmm. I did. I cut you out of my life. I survived. I grew stronger. Every fucking day. I met new people. Amazing people who showed me that compassion and care are so much better than anger and hatred. Maybe the world is a dark and bitter place, but I don’t have to make it even worse. If you are reading this, then I should add I’ m also a little grateful for the explanation you sent me a few weeks ago. Three pages of narcissistic depictions of the Sun Queen. Ho-fuckin’- ray. Became an inspiration for running gags among my friends. Maybe I was really blinded by love back then and I didn’t see all this. Or maybe it was only after my time it became so extreme. But it’s good to be able to escape this sphere of influence. It makes me appreciate the qualities of others even more. Kindness. Compassion. Care. It’ s a good thing to see this contrast so acutely in your mind. I wish this time will be the last time I write about her in such detail, but of course I can’t really predict that. However, to become aware of how strong her destructive influence on me actually was is at least a good step to be able to counteract it. I don’t know yet which strategies will be the most suitable, but with time comes epiphany. A wonderful word. Found it through James Fell. His work has helped me a lot to reflect on my own behaviour and its consequences for others. Meh. My roommate just got home and left the hall light on. I should cover the milk glass even more. And just now Windows decided it should make the screen even brighter, although of course I turned off the fucking adaptive brightness long ago. Go home, Windows, you are drunk. If anyone understands this software, I often enough don’t. Why build in a feature which provides the user with the illusion of optionality, only to say a big “Fuck it, I don’t even care” and then do what everyone but the user wants to do. That is so incredibly random. I have the feeling programmers just want to troll us and let us remember at any time of day or night the godlike beings they are. Well, Taira, I got your number! Hallway light is off again. Neat. That’s a nice way to work. Writing. Whatever. It’s almost the same thing. Except I don’t get paid for this messed up stuff. Probably better that way, or you’d really need to get your mental state checked by a professional. You never know. First Cat-Content, then My Little Pony, then weird blogs and bang! – the boss, including his wife and dog, was shot. Who knew? Again, nobody! That’s why I’ve always said: Fight the beginnings! But I wander. Once again. Isn’t that the whole point? Wonderwonderwonder. Oops. I can’t help it. My mind does things outside of my control. Technically, I don’t have it anyway, because free will is just a very clever illusion. So, it has been written down since ancient times stating that today, right here, right now, I would carve those words into virtual stone. And who am I to argue with fate?


You are a decent human being. Behave accordingly.

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