11.05.2019
I didn’t drink alcohol today, although I felt the need for it. Instead, I experimented with unconventional builds in Dota. That’s pretty entertaining. Two of them worked, too. This Huskar position 4 thing was rather… mediocre. But Sniper 5 was surprisingly effective. I will probably include that in my support repertoire. Probably I’ll get some reports in the games that we don’t win, but hey, memes and stuff. Is it now really the case that in these pages I think about the hobby in which I have literally invested thousands of hours during the last years? Obviously. The fact that I feel a little strange is probably also because I’m still part of a generation of gamers who grew up with being told that their hobby was a waste of time, dangerous and generally horrible. Things like that do shape us somewhere, even if we are reluctant to admit it. The new generation is much less aggressively persecuted by this stigma. Gaming is part of everyday life, the associated industry turns over billions every year. Well. Sometimes I wish I had been born fifty years from now. Just think of all the technical possibilities! The idea alone makes my thoughts race and my pulse rise. But it obviously wasn’t meant to be. Would have been too good. I don’t want to die. I just became very aware of that again. Sure, most people probably don’t want that, but for someone like me this thought is still an adventure again and again. After all, it seemed quite different for years. However, a few days ago I hurt myself and my parasuicidal behaviour increased. Difficult. Currently I feel quite indifferent towards most things. Nothing is really good, but also not really bad. At least I don’t want to reach for the next knife and press its tip against my upper body until the physical pain numbs the emotional one. That’s good, I think. But in the past I have often enough noticed how quickly something like this can turn around again. Somehow this whole situation is incredibly paradoxical. During the good phases it feels as if there has never been a problem, but as soon as the mood changes, I am permanently on the brink of complete emotional overload. Often enough beyond that. But these good periods make it incredibly difficult to take preventive measures for the bad ones. It doesn’t seem to be necessary, the pressure of suffering is gone, somehow everything is only distant and doesn’t matter. My mind knows which measures to reasonably take, but the rest of my body often resists them quite successfully. After all, I have managed to form a new ritual through this daily writing. That’s not too bad, I think. My brain forms new networks, creates habits and quite quickly I develop a need for them, because otherwise I notice that something is missing. Actually damn brilliant, this mechanism. What if I were to use this property for other things as well? So I develop other, positive and life-enhancing routines in order to fight against the existing toxic and self-destructive ones? Or even to overcome them? That actually sounds like a pretty good idea. Now all I have to do is find out what kind of new habits that should be. I suppose they will have a lot to do with sport and education. I train body and mind in the truest sense of the word. Even more than is already the case. How would it be if I decided to learn a new skill every six months? For example, I will resume my psychology studies in October. So it would be pretty good if I became a true statistics expert. After all, Big Data is one of THE big topics of our time and quantitative data has always fascinated me. So it’s high time I put more energy into developing my statistical skills. One hour of learning statistics a day should be enough. Always make sure it happens regularly. Expertise is generated by continuity. Only constant training leads to success. Remember. Do. Win. Huah. And now everyone is cheering loudly after our super original motivation mantra. Huah.
Egotheist 