18.05.2019
For years I have been trying to answer a central question. Which is worse: extreme emotionality or a void? For years I have been searching for an answer, but so far I have not found it. Currently, however, I am tending more and more towards the latter. Pain is palpable. It is something real. Physical or mental, at least you can feel it. Know it’s there. But how do you describe emptiness? How does it feel other than, well, empty? Is the absence of something still… anything? My life always moves only between these two points. Either incredibly intense emotions or an indifferent void. The extent to which I experience both is probably around 30% emotion, 70% emptiness. These are almost similar relations as the ratio of matter to dark matter. This comparison even works twice, because just like the perceived emptiness, dark matter cannot be directly detected, although we are very sure that it exists. Every time I return from extreme emotions back to the waiting arms of emptiness, I ask myself shortly afterwards whether I only imagined everything that was going on before. If this actually just happened. Provided I regain consciousness in the hospital, then yes, it probably did happen, but fortunately this is the exception rather than the rule. Status report: somewhere between lethargy and a state of emergency. A never-ending cycle. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. The perpetual motion machine of self-destruction. In all these years, I have not been able to escape. Maya was right. I should have taken action much sooner. Success story of the day: Wrote an email to the hospital. At last. After almost two weeks of waiting. Maybe it will end up like that one time in Halle, when I was standing in front of the clinic in the middle of the night, completely exhausted, and was sent back home. This is probably the craziest story I have ever experienced so far. I regret a little not having the presence of mind to get the name of the responsible doctor to sue him for not helping me. But considering the fact that I was very close to actually performing the final cut, it’s not surprising that my focus was elsewhere. However, I have some concerns about the possibility of such a person continuing to work in a psychiatric hospital and possibly endangering patients seriously through such behavior. But that was several years ago. Kind of crazy. I still have that night pretty clear in my mind and know how I felt in that situation. How, in an absurd mixture of overexcitement and emotional desperation, I spoke to the doctor on the phone, only to be told they sent me home because my situation did not seem serious enough. Well, somehow he was right, too, as I obviously didn’t kill myself back then, but as I am still in an at least comparable situation so many years later, this doesn’t necessarily speak for his medical expertise. Very well. Now we wait and see. I am relatively confident that things will go differently this time. So far my encounters with the staff of the psychiatric department of the clinic have been consistently positive, therefore I assume things will remain this way. I can always claim later that everything was shitty. Besides, this time I have made a firm commitment to be truly honest with those who are trying to help me. I remember not telling some of the very unpleasant things back then, but this time it will be different. I have the feeling this could be my last chance to get my life back on track. Failing again at this point will most likely have highly destructive consequences. Somewhere I still have Akira’s number and another encounter between us would probably not only end up with police and ambulance, but also with a forensic pathologist determining an overdose on both our corpses. Theatrical, but a fitting end. However, at the moment I don’t really feel a desire for such a cinematic ending, so this may wait. Ideally, it never happens, since this time I finally manage to pull it together. Everything. Me and my life. Balancing lethargy and the state of emergency.
Egotheist 