Illusion Of Control


Today was fascinating in many ways. Although I didn’t manage to work (although I had short impulses once in a while, which were suppressed by other things), most of the other parts of the action plan were successfully implemented. Especially the fact that after a few days break I finally started working out again and even managed to be in bed only a few minutes after 4 am. Although this day was not a hundred percent success, it was still more rewarding than the previous one. In addition, this morning, in a moment of phenomenal realization, I threw away the last bottle of alcohol (there are still some bitters here, they don’t really count). It was about 30€ for the quarter liter ending up in the drain. Objectively, of course, this was a waste of money, but the symbolic act was quite liberating. If you want get shit done, burn the boats. I also received the invitation to the first interview at the clinic today. Due date 15.07.2019. That means there are less than two months to go before I will finally be in therapeutic treatment again. But it was a good start. A step, in the right direction. Your arrogance will get you killed one day. Those were pretty much Maya’s words to me before she practically forced me to seek help. I know she was right about that. When I look at how much I have fallen, especially in the last few weeks, mentally and physically, her intervention was more than overdue. I wish I alone had the strength to do this, but wise advice can always be better given from the outside than applied to the situation at hand. Well then, the first step has been taken, now it is time to wait and see. But this idea of an action plan is a reasonable one. The question is, what does tomorrow look like? After getting up, a shower, then breakfast and some education. I guess I’ll wake up around 2 p.m., so I finish my morning meal around 3 or 3:30 p.m. Since tomorrow is Tuesday, it’s time to socialize and debate again. The bus for that leaves shortly after 6 pm. That leaves me about two and a half hours to work. Today instead I watched Game of Thrones and the sixth season of Ray Donovan and played No Man’s Sky. I think I can make better use of those two and a half hours tomorrow. On the one hand, I’ll be writing applications for new jobs. It’s time for me to get back in touch with money and people. Or vice versa. After that, I’m going to work on the chapter on the theory of science while listening to relaxing music. Fortunately, I have already done a good amount of preliminary work and added comments to the relevant passages. After I’ve done that, I’m off to university and debating. Social isolation is unhealthy or even deadly in the long run, I read today. True. The logical conclusion is to work against it. The evening, on the other hand, is somewhat questionable. I’ll probably spend some more time with the people from the club, but the goal should be that I leave for home around 11 pm. Once there, I can do what I’ve wanted to do for a long time: Include running in my training routine. Strength training is all fine and dandy, but I notice that my stamina leaves a lot to be desired, so it only makes sense if I work on it specifically. Especially when I think about the fact that I would like to actively do martial arts again in the foreseeable future. A good stamina is only an advantage there. After returning from running, I can end the evening relaxed with some kind of activity. If I would rather play games during the two and a half hours of productivity, I know how to prevent this by not starting Steam at all. Burn the boats and stuff. There’s also the Cold Turkey Blocker. That would be like “Nuke the whole fucking beach”. Smile. Anyway, the final goal for tomorrow is to be in bed by 3:00 a.m. at the latest. I’m trying to go to bed a little bit earlier to adjust my sleep rhythm. It can only get better than it is now anyway, so I am quite confident this is a good approach. Good, action plan set, now only the implementation remains. Huah!

You are a decent human being. Behave accordingly.

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