Taira

It’s been more than a month since I last wrote here. I’ve noticed a pattern. The better I feel, the less I feel the need to write these pages. Probably because I have much less need for clarification in my head. A better life is possible. What started more than a year ago as a distant promise as a basic statement for my blog seems to be slowly becoming reality. Is it really the case though that with increasing age things become easier to accept? Or is this, I hope, rather a consequence of the countless hours of reflection and consumption of literature, hoping to find the long-awaited answers somewhere in the thoughts of others or myself? Alas, it seems as if I am indeed wiser than before about some answers. Otherwise I could never go to Frankfurt and throw myself into an excessive nightlife again for a few years. But now. Now it’s getting interesting. Maybe I’ll actually start with a fitness and lifestyle channel. Excess at night. Eat, pray, love by day. Well, probably not quite so fancy but you get the point. It would be a good starting point to establish the idea of the Triad outside the book. In my own life anyway. Although I’m already doing a pretty good job of that anyway. But there’s still plenty of room for improvement. I’ll keep my options open. In principle, I’d like that. Let’s see how my time availability is after I move and start work. Taira. I haven’t been able to get her out of my mind for days. Already? But it’s been like that for months now. I am incredibly happy we met at this point in my life and not a few years too early. It’s been a long time since I met a new person who affects me like this. Any interaction with her is so incredibly natural. We see each other for the first time, and it feels as if we have known each other for ages. I know I tend to quickly develop a feeling of intimacy with people who mean a lot to me, but it doesn’t seem to be just for me, it seems to be mutual. On both evenings we met, I wished they would never pass. I cannot explain it, but her presence had a very pleasant, calming effect on me. All the time I just wanted to be there, talk, listen and exist together at this moment. We managed to do that damn well. Talking to someone for hours without even noticing the passing of those same hours is a rare gift. I enjoyed it incredibly. When we hugged to say goodbye, I wanted time to stop. It felt good. I liked the smell of her hair. Another one of those patterns. When people smell nice, I’m quickly attracted to them. I have no idea why. I don’t have to. The moment mattered. The juxtaposition of countless others. I feel like I’ve been dreaming these two days. They were over way too fast. But it really happened. I can’t stop thinking back. I wish I could go back in time and relive those moments. Over and over again. Instead, all I have is the memory from which I draw every moment. Pathetic phrasing. Still pretty accurate, though. I can’t wait until we meet again. Months will pass. Far too long. But immutable. I wish I could do more for her. She shared some dark thoughts with me yesterday. I would have loved to hug her in that moment and tell her not to worry, especially about me. I wanted to tell her that the pain because of the guy whose name I keep forgetting will probably last for a while, but I will always be there if she needs someone to talk to. Didn’t do it because it didn’t feel right at the time. I didn’t want to make this moment all about me. I know only too well how intense this kind of pain can be. I wish I could have been there to ease it a little. After all these years, one constant still remains. As little as I feel towards other people, I experience much more intense feelings with some chosen ones. There is probably only a limited contingent of emotional resources and mine is extremely polar. It should only be fine with me if I am able to help the people close to me more effectively. Priorities and such. I keep seeing her smile in my mind’s eye. Hear the sound of her voice. Even as I write these lines, her presence seems so ubiquitous in my head. I know what it’s like. I’ve seen it before. Yet it doesn’t diminish the sensation in the least. Except that I’ve become more equanimous with it. This is different. I see what’s happening and I just take it for granted. It’s a good thing. There are no more expectations and hopes, only the moment. A pool of infinite options. Unclear paths through a labyrinthine thicket amidst the uncertainty. I don’t know what will happen. It’s okay. I don’t need to know. I’ve given up control. Whatever happens is good if it happens of your own free will. I’m not afraid of the unknown anymore. I’m no longer afraid of the future. This is different. I don’t know where I’m going with this. It’s okay. I’m happy in a world I don’t understand.