Joys Of Solitude

27.04.2019

Watched Avengers: Endgame at the cinema yesterday. I didn’t like Infinity War too much, but Endgame was fantastic. Like, really, really good. I was indeed emotionally touched on several occasions. That’s nice for a change. Afterwards I went to one of my favourite bars, where I just wanted to read and have a drink. I will never understand those people who start a conversation with a stranger who obviously has no interest in doing so. Hello, I’m reading here as you can clearly see. But somehow, your own courtesy demands that you don’t barf in these people’s faces with a hearty “fuck off”. After all, you are well-behaved. I imagine that I would like to introduce the front skull of my conversation partner to the wooden edge of the counter. But instead I smile and explain to him that I’m reading a textbook on statistics. I signal quite clearly that I am not interested in continuing the conversation and for about five minutes he leaves it at that. Note to myself: The expectation of being able to read in peace in a bar at the counter is quite naïve. Of course, I could have known better. Drunk people are generally very talkative, whereas I prefer the quiet. As always, everything is a question of perspective and perception. After all: Such experiences only confirm me once more why it was a good decision not to stand behind the bar anymore. Of course, I have learned over the years to keep my emotions perfectly under control when dealing with guests, but if you constantly feel the desire to pour their drinks over their faces, it’s time to find another occupation. And I’m not even a misanthropist. I like people as such. They are fascinating. But drunk people who invade other people’s privacy and no longer have control over themselves repel me immensely. In bars, people display behaviors for which they would be ashamed to death in other contexts. It seems as if with entering an establishment of drinking culture any education is forgotten and the last spark of residual intellect is hanging sadly along the cloakroom coat. Thinking has time out now, eventually others take over. In fact, it’s much more the case that the most pleasant guests were those who still knew how to articulate themselves sensibly and who even showed some kind of respect for their opposites. In short: Simply behaving like nice, normal people and not like degenerate semi-monkeys. Fortunately, I was able to do the cut at some point. I don’t think I could have worked much longer in this industry. So now I’m sitting here writing and hoping someday I’ll make enough money from this work to live from it. Will this moment ever come? I have no idea, but it is the least I can try. I love the peace and loneliness I have during writing. Nobody interferes with inappropriate questions or throws annoying comments in between. The only account I owe is that to myself. The casual reader might now come to the conclusion that I am a terrible team player because I value loneliness so highly. However, I hope that those people with whom I have worked in a variety of situations throughout my life will see things differently. I like well coordinated and harmonised teams. It can be an immense pleasure to work with highly motivated people on a joint project and to sit back and relax in the end, looking back on months of work. This can indeed be very fulfilling and I am sure that I will be in such a situation again in the foreseeable future. But right now, at this very moment, I am extremely happy with the peace and solitude of writing. I wonder why I didn’t come up with the idea of writing down my mental chaos on a regular basis much earlier. There is something immensely liberating about it. I first had to read an author’s article to come to this realization. But what do we learn from it: reading educates. Obviously. It helps us to borrow the thoughts of others, to play with them, to look at them before our inner eye and perhaps even to integrate parts of them into our own. Sometimes it is only gradual changes that we barely notice. But occasionally we can have life-changing experiences. Each of us is well advised to pay more attention to good literature. Maybe at some point it will even be my works that others consider to be worth their time. I would feel very honoured.

You are a decent human being. Behave accordingly.

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