22. 09. 2019
Wow. Just wow. I was so incredibly anxious after sending her my thoughts from yesterday. I kept thinking, “Okay, that’s it. Too much for her. Can’t deal with this shit”. But no. Quite the opposite. Her answer was everything I had hoped for. Super calm, trusting and appreciative. If it hadn’t already been the case, my head would probably have elevated her to the same status as the others, by now at the latest. Maya once told me how my past negative experiences are no indicators of what the future will bring. And although I always knew she was right about that, I often found it very hard to believe. Therefore it is all the more pleasing to see how hope was not shattered this time. I guess Taira perceives it quite similar. We managed to find a very easy-going way of dealing with each other, of which we both know what to expect and nobody has to worry about feeling uncomfortable with the other. My limits are your limits. Draven told me earlier how he completely messed up the awakening affection between himself and a colleague. It’s so crazy. I don’t know if it’s just me and my perceptions or if it’s a poly thing in general, but whenever I observe the interaction between people who are feeling “normal” and I’m hearing about their problems, it seems so incredibly awkward. Like big children, they stagger around in the maze of relationships without orientation. Admittedly, I just thought about this sentence a little bit because I liked it so much and wanted to put it into appropriate words. Anyway. Back to the text. He told me about them kissing and then wanted to know whether they would give it a try. He basically confronted her with an either/or decision. I vented a cry of frustration at that moment, as I have been trying to make him understand things differently over the past few months. To be fair, it has to be stated that we had not yet talked about this issue in much detail, since I assumed I already provided him with enough understanding. Far from it. But that is okay. He is a great guy, just grew up in a very different way than me, though very eager to evolve. I explained that he should first figure out what he really wants. Is Zoè just a means to an end for him? Only there to fill his inner void? Or is she an end per se? Does he actually derive any added value from her being part of his life as a human being – in whatever form? Basically I told him the same thoughts I had the night before about Taira. Provide the other person with a feeling of being able to decide what’s okay for them and what’s not. Make them realize you truly value them as a person and everything else will be accordingly. Create a space of trust in which she doesn’t feel she has to behave in a different way because you are working towards an ultimate purpose. If you can do this honestly and if she cares about you, she will respond in some way. I wish more people would realize that this tension between men and women is not necessary. That these interactions don’t have to end up in super awkward situations which are never great for anybody, but rather that you can have a fantastic time together without specific objectives and intentions. At this moment I’m as happy as a little child because Taira and I seem to have accomplished this. Apparently you can use this internet for pretty good experiences as well. Well, isn’t that nice. I read some of the conversations we had a few days ago and had to smile again and again. It is so delightfully uncomplicated. I don’t have to worry about possibly saying the wrong things. I don’t have to impress her with anything, she has known so much about me for a long time that any fabricated story would be immediately obvious. Not to mention my mental block. It is so incredibly pleasant to meet another person with whom the interaction is so straightforward and harmonic. Am I idealizing a little? Perhaps. Probably. But I basically do that with everyone. Maya, Nora, Alex, Tal, Eve… there were difficult moments, of course, but the way of communication was always great. I can’t remember ever having any real misunderstandings or ever feeling exhausted after a conversation. Oh, the irony. When I first met Valerie, I was so blind. I compared her to Maya, without wanting (being able?) to admit that Maya never acted aggressively towards me. In nearly ten years, she has never treated me unfairly. With Valerie this was already the case after a few weeks. How could I be so blind? Obviously I wanted to see more than what was actually there. The fact someone so toxic had such a high priority in my life for such a short time is not without a certain irony. In a way, it’s quite amusing. Less than a year later I get to know another person step by step, who seems to be the complete opposite. Not once did I feel uncomfortable during a conversation. Well, apart from my own issues, of course, but it was never due to Taira’s toxic behaviour towards me. Well, that’s a very welcome change in direct comparison. I have evolved a lot over the past year and obviously this is reflected in my social interactions. I am more aware of who I want to deal with and I specifically distance myself from toxic people. I think that is a good development. Life is often confusing and exhausting enough, there is no need for people who make it even more unpleasant. Taira said it is nice for her to see that another person cares about her. I would love to let her look inside my head to show her how my perception shapes itself. One of the advantages of intensive attachments is the ability of showing other people how wonderful they are. Since you’re going to read this anyway, there are very few people in my life whom I care about so deeply and whose well-being is so important to me; you will probably never return to the realm of insignificance in my head. That’s ok. I like it. I feel very comfortable with it right now and if I can contribute a little bit towards making you feel better, then I am quite happy with the current situation.