Regret

28.04.2019

Drawback of living with other people? After waking up you see a broken wine glass in the kitchen and nobody seems to take responsibility for it. Since it was also the second last wine glass, we definitely need new ones, because drinking alone is also somewhat uncool. After all, it took a good five years to get to this point. So the glasses survived for a surprisingly long time. But it will probably be up to me again to provide more. Let’s hope that the new glasses will also survive for a similar period of time. I didn’t even write about my sleep today at the beginning. Of course it is still miles away from being really restful, but I’ve managed to get to almost eight hours, so I don’t have too much deficit. Although I always prefer those days on which I can sleep nine or even ten hours. Well, there will be better times again. I woke up today with the thought that it was finally time again to work on my book. It’s pretty crazy, because when I go through in my head about the work that still needs to be done, I realize again and again that it’s actually very manageable. So it seems all the more strange that I always postpone the completion so much. However, I think that I have procrastinated enough now and the time has come to work once again on the project in which I invested so much blood and love last year. Because one thing is still true: I am firmly convinced that this book is an excellent idea. I believe that my words can help other people who are also struggling with the hardships of life. Motivational speakers tend to say “Find your why” – so, yeah, I guess this is my why. I want to help other people who are struggling with life and its challenges. Call me naive, but somehow this thought feels very fitting. This statement is not entirely without irony, because a few years ago I was still in a mental state, which was characterized by the fact that I deliberately pushed others aside, intentionally inflicted emotional pain on them and didn’t care about the victims I left behind on my way of emotionally burnt earth. When I think back to how I behaved then and what valuable friendships my actions cost, then I feel nothing but regret. Hardly a day goes by without me thinking how much different my life could have been if I had become aware of the things I know today a few years ago. How much suffering I could have prevented. Not only my own, but above all that which I caused. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time to undo certain things. Maybe those people who decided at some point that I was too toxic for them to have anything more to do with me would still be part of my life. I can’t blame them. Apparently wisdom really comes with time and experience. By which I do not mean to say that I am wise – only less stupid than before. After all, that is sort of progress. I still have this idea in my head, that I want to give my book to the person who decided at that time not wanting to see me anymore and hope that this person recognizes that my personal development was a positive one. One of my greatest wishes is to be able to talk to this person again at some point, and this time to be able to part for the better. Hm. I just became aware of something. I mean, of course, I am convinced of the basic idea of my book, that it is a good thing and everything. But somehow I always lacked an additional impulse to actually finish this project. I need the completed work in order to reach that person. Since my desire for this conversation is so incredibly strong, it’s evident that I have to finish the book in a timely manner to at least increase the chance of a meeting. If I’ve doubted the usefulness of this morning writing process so far, I’ve just been told otherwise. I probably owe this obvious, but not conscious connection of these two thoughts to this exercise alone. I don’t believe that I could have reached this realization in any other way.