Writer’s Darkness

It’s really happening. Taira and I will meet in about five weeks for the first time in person. It shouldn’t be hard to have a more pleasant interaction than with the last person I met this way. The bar is pretty low though. Couldn’t decide whether to write this page tonight or jump back into the darkness of Sangea. I read an interesting piece about storytelling a few days ago. It was about rape and why it is unnecessary to describe rape in fictional contexts just to make them more realistic, dark and gritty. I have several  friends who got raped, so I’m naturally quite sensible when it comes to this topic. But I have to admit, I was at least thinking about including scenes like that. Not for the sake of character building but mainly as an easy way to shock the reader. I was simpler minded back then. Now…I don’t know. It’s been a while since I thought about whether to include something like that and currently, I’m quite torn. I’m writing about murder, mutilation, torture and other nasty stuff? Is it really possible to draw a line there? Should there even be one? It’s probably best when I discuss this with my friends who might be affected by it and wait for their opinion. I cannot underestimate the psychological distress someone might experience while reading stuff like that, so I need to choose a smart approach and make a decision at some point. Writing can be tough sometimes as soon as you start thinking about how your words may affect other people. Are you really responsible for them? Can’t you say “fuck it” and do whatever the fuck you want? Why am I writing in second person? Am I talking to myself? Obviously, I am. I went from thinking about meeting Taira to writing about fictional rape. Well, that escalated quickly. Out of context this might seem super wicked. But my mind works in mysterious ways and I promised myself I will follow it wherever it may lead me. And be it even the darkest corners of human behaviour. The good thing about fiction is that it’s, well, fiction. Everything goes. As long as people are able to distinct between fiction and reality nothing bad should happen, right? But words still affect people, even if they are fictional. The words itself are very real. Word can bear a lot of weight. I know how to use words to transport emotions, feelings of love and distress, create a world which only exists inside my mind, projecting it in other people’s minds as well, thus making it somewhat real for them. I honestly have no idea how to answer the question whether there is a line I shouldn’t cross. Personally, I can write about anything, even things which are causing discomfort for myself. But is my opinion the only one which counts? Tough choice. Life is full of weird decisions. This appears to be one of them. Maybe I really should talk to other people about that. See how they react. But is my writing then influenced by other people in a way which bends it into something different I had in mind originally? Is it really me who is writing for other people or are they just using me as a proxy to write a story they would like to read? Is this some weird meta-state while I’m writing about writing and thinking about how writing is affected by its context? Seems a bit confusing right now. But people change their behaviour and opinions all the time. Even if they tell me there is a line I should not cross, would it be so difficult to comply? Probably. Not. Not. Probably. I have no idea. What is I? How to put my mind, my personality, my ego into one little box with a name on it? Life is strange. Fun game. And all the whores and politicians will look up and beg “Save us”. And I will say “No”. Amazing movie. Society is rotten to its core and if everything burns down in a few years I will applaud with a bottle of champagne. Rise and shine, since you will die before the world is going to remember you. Isn’t it interesting how fast the mind can change its perception depending on a varying context? One thought about Rorschach and suddenly everything went to shit. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I always enjoy writing scenes with Aiden. Maybe I change his name again. But his character is so fun to write. I can be as fucked up, dark and misanthropic as I want to be. Fits the narrative and his character without making him one-dimensional. I should definitely start writing again. I want to see how this world grows and steps into the light. Piece by piece. I have no idea where these people will lead me but I’m damn curious. Is it weird to see characters which only exist in my own mind as somewhat real people with real personalities? Or is it even better since this enables me to write them in a convincing way and make them act accordingly? So many questions, so little answers. When I’m going to look back at this page in maybe a year or so, it’s going to be interesting where their adventure has led me by then. There are curious times ahead. Indeed.

You are a decent human being. Behave accordingly.

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