Grey

Fuck. Too much chaos in my head. Actually, wanted to write the scene featuring Lucian, started it too, but quit after a few hundred words. I just can’t get the necessary immersion in my head when there’s still too much chaos. Maybe I should write these pages here first and then head off to Sangea. To do so, I would only have to manage to actually keep the goals I set myself for going to bed earlier. Originally, I wanted to make it around three o’clock, but then it ended one hour later. After all, I am finally writing again today. I have neglected that during the past days. In preparation for the next days I read some of my old pages. The story with Annabelle will be published soon. I wonder what is going on in her mind when she reads this. Will she be able to understand that I never wanted her to suffer because of me, but often everything I touch turns to ashes? We both knew this was a bad idea. For so many reasons. But as so often, desire, craving is so much stronger than any rational thought. I wish I could have spared her the pain back then. I would have pulled through somehow. I always do. But whether the other person means something to me or not, those who get too close to me suffer the most. And we danced. When the story with Maya was over, I could hardly stop listening to that song. Far too much I recognized myself in it. “When I want to grasp it, it’s already gone. No one was ever farther away from me and yet so close, not even silence says how deep, like an unsent letter, what broke when I looked into your eyes”. Flashback. Many years back. Maya and I lie in Augsburg in a room on the bed next to each other. I say we are so close and yet so far away. I have tears in my eyes. Again. As so often during that time. I so longed to be close to her again. To kiss her again and hold her in my arms. But fate had other plans for us. After about five years, my head understood that too. What a crazy time. Do the people I leave behind feel the same way? Wouldn’t it be extremely presumptuous to hope they could find a healthy way of dealing with it in the near future? Don’t I know best how painful life can be without a certain person? Oh, it’s all so strange. In fact, I wish she wouldn’t read all this…so that she could actually find closure. Unlike Valerie, she was never toxic. All the more reason for me to regret what happened between us and what I did to her. For a few months I messed up her world, only to leave a pile of broken pieces at the end. I seem to have a distinct talent for destroying other people’s hopes and leaving them emotionally devastated. Fuck it. Definitely something I need to pay more attention to. Which I think I’ve managed to do better and better over the past few months. Too late for Annabelle, unfortunately. Would things be different now if we met again? Would I perhaps feel anything again? Strange question, though, considering she would probably prefer to break my nostril with her fist. Maybe it’s one of those strange peculiarities of my person. I am almost never directly aggressive. My methods are much more subtle and therefore often more destructive. In the past, so many things were so much easier. I didn’t spend months thinking about what I could have done differently if I didn’t care about the person anyway. Now the emotional component may disappear, but still I think about it. Or is it perhaps this grey area that I have been searching for so long? Is my concern for other people, my way of cognitive empathy, perhaps a substrate for what other people consider to be their normal sensations? Or is it something else entirely? I suspect that my emotions have become differentiated in a strange way over the past few months. I have always wondered if it is possible to do something like unsplitting. To feel intensity again where it once was. It is more of a theoretical consideration, because I doubt that anyone would be interested in trying it. With the exception of Akira maybe, but that’s a completely different story again and I don’t think it would end well. Who knows. Maybe there will be an opportunity to do so at some point, but if not, then it’s just not meant to be. Taira said it’ s good that her…I can’t think of the word, but I guess “crushes” does it, not having their own blogs. Apart from me, of course, but even if it was only half-serious, it felt good reading it regardless. Crazy stuff. Anyway. Obviously, it’s not good to constantly expose yourself to a stimulus which causes you pain or triggers negative emotions. This was the main reason for the cut to Valerie and I think maybe Annabelle should do the same to finally find her peace with it. But maybe I think too much and she has long since finished with all this, then all the better. Then these words are just one more attempt of a confused mind to bring some structure into the chaos of his world. What a beautiful sentence. Sometimes you can be proud of your own language. I’m pretty sure one or two will be reused in a new context. My thoughts finally come to rest, and I would have ideal conditions to drift off towards Sangea, but my body also has to pay the toll of tiredness. Probably nothing more will happen today. That’s life, I guess.