Preventing Pain

Hell of a day. Or evening. I seriously wondered if I’d be writing something at this time of day, after all it’s almost six in the morning and I’m actually pretty tired. But somehow it just doesn’t feel right to go to sleep without having at least partially reflected on the day and especially the evening. Selene and I finally saw each other again after a few weeks. She told me a lot about how much she suffers from the fact of her boyfriend being obviously illiterate in terms of theory of communication and not being able to respond to her emotional needs at all. She lives in the paradoxical situation of being fully aware of this problem, but at the moment she’s not yet so much negatively influenced by it as she wants to make the cut. At moments like this I ask myself if I am the only person who is able to distance himself emotionally extremely quickly as soon as he realizes all efforts to bring about a positive change are futile. But maybe I am just too extreme in terms of my emotional positions. Alicia has been going through a pretty shitty time lately, but we spoke on the phone earlier and she assured me she is safe. Which is always very soothing at times like this. Anyway. Back to Selene. Asked her how her younger sister was doing these days. Then she told me about three weeks ago her sister tried to kill herself again. They picked her up off the tracks. “Again” sounds so derogatory. Meh. It should not be at this point. It was not intended that way. After all, I can understand this need all too well myself. Selene’s been telling me about her sister and the inner demons she’s been fighting for years. I’ve been telling her for years how I recognize myself in them. For years we’ve been planning to somehow organize a meeting between us. Now it seems the time has come to actually do it. I talked about the fact how I feel a little bit that her sister is at a similar point where I once was at the age of eighteen. Completely overwhelmed with the extremes of one’ s own feelings, thrown into a world which I did not understand. Outwardly, I could often hide it quite well, but actually I only wanted to escape. To run away. From everything. And never come back. I can hardly count how often I felt the incredibly intense desire to just grab a bag, go to the airport and buy a one-way ticket to anywhere. Never did. Obviously. Probably out of cowardice, too. When I told Selene that it probably would have meant a lot to me at the time if there had been someone in my life to talk to about my inner chaos and who would understand me, it was pretty intense emotionally. For a moment I could not hold back the tears. For a few short moments I felt myself transported back into the past and could feel the despair of those times again. How different would things have been if there had been someone with whom I could not only talk about it, but who actually understood what was going on inside me? Who could have explained to me why I felt these absolutes? Why almost every human interaction becomes so highly asymmetrical when I feel an emotional connection. Why I regularly hurt myself when I could no longer cope with the emotional chaos in my head. Maybe a lot of things would have been different if I had had someone like that in my life back then. Of course, it is obvious that I wish to spare another person similar suffering. When I see the same patterns which Selene’s sister is going through, then I can’t stop myself from wanting to help her. I didn’t have anyone who actually understood me ten years ago. Perhaps I can provide her with answers which will help her to ensure her future years will not be as painful as mine. A few less suicide attempts, a few less cuts on her arms, a few less nights on Tavor. I think it’s worth a try. Of course, there’s the danger of idealization. That’s what I told Selene. I mean, it’s possible her sister suddenly sees me as some kind of saviour. This may sound very exaggerated, but I know from experience the tendency to elevate other people to a quasi-Divine status can take hold quite quickly. Especially at this age and without any real experience of reflection about what this actually means. In any case it will probably be a very interesting meeting. I sincerely hope to find an adequate way of dealing with her, and that my work is not counterproductive. I don’t think it will happen, but I can only be really sure when it actually does happen. It would also be really fucking bad if I unintentionally contribute to making Selene’s sister feel even worse in the end and causing her to take lethal consequences in the worst case. That’s something I have to avoid at all costs. Why do I see myself in thoughts sitting in a diffuse situation with her, talking to her for hours in order to keep her from doing something stupid? Probably because that’s what my friends did back then. What a crazy cycle. But also, kind of a positive one. If my fucked-up experiences can help make another person feel a little bit better, why not use this opportunity? I hope, this venture is not a mistake.

You are a decent human being. Behave accordingly.

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