Escape

I wonder how much longer I want to live like this. Somehow my days have become far too repetitive lately. I feel more and more trapped in a cycle from which there is no escape. Sure, I’m writing more at the moment, developing myself, working out, getting enough sleep, reading, so I’m following almost every one of these countless self-optimization guidelines. And yet. Something is missing. The last time I felt really alive was when I was dancing during theatre practice. Life needs uncertainty. Maybe that’s what my new task is all about. To explore how I can make my life more diverse without losing my mind completely. I recently wrote Elias. He was very happy about my message and I said I would like to come and visit him sometime in the next few months. Ideally this could be combined with a meeting with Taira. One visit to Vienna and one to Graz doesn’t sound so wrong. In general, I should travel more. We’ll see. If the new project comes through, I’ll finish it first and then take some vacation. Somehow like that. Long-term plans are probably best avoided at the moment anyway. I’ve set up my Instagram account now. I guess it’s time to focus more on writing and content production in general. When I wrote my last article, I actually felt pretty good about it. It’s kind of nice to work as a producer again for a change and not just dully consuming the content of others. I have learned so much in the past weeks and months. It seems the time has come for me to use these insights for my own works. I have the feeling my linguistic skills are also finally developing again. It is probably due to the rediscovered writing routine. Taira said my fictional writing style has poetic traits. She likes it a lot. I hope it doesn’t plunge me into too much pathos. But I also don’t want to write texts which bore me while I am writing them. If I can’t bear what I write myself, how can a future reader? Language should be fun, provide the reader with a pleasant feeling and awaken a longing for more. If I do not succeed in doing this, I can give up everything else as well. Somehow it is quite difficult for me to get a clear thought. There are always just incoherent fragments, which my mind somehow loosely links together. I want to get away from Dresden. For far too long. But I have no idea where to go. I don’t know where to go. Actually, I want to get out of Germany. Away and never come back. But change is difficult as long as you are comfortable. Am I though? Well, I have to stay until next June at least. Maybe that’s a decent time frame. The great advantage of living without any ties is living without any ties. I don’t have to answer to anybody. I could just disappear. Anywhere. Or I could sleep under bridges. …which I’m probably far too comfortable to do. Somehow, I find it harder and harder to suppress my own inferiority complexes. All around me there are so many great, successful people and then there is me, who lies in his bed night after night and either indulges in melancholic thoughts or flees into a fictional world which only exists in his head. Does it sound strange if I think I would feel better in this world than in ours? I suppose so. After all, I’m biased in this regard. Every night I wait for redemption to come. Action is the antidote to despair. Still haven’t gone swimming, though I’ve been meaning to. Fuck. Maybe I should just do it tomorrow. What do I have to lose? Nothing concrete planned, no commitments, so what’s the argument against it? Bringing a little more variation into my everyday life seems pretty reasonable. After this I can still be a vegetable. Step by step into chaos. For years, I believed I had to control everything around me, until at some point I understood how control is just an illusion. How could I ever control a world I didn’t understand? The lobster philosopher Jordan Peterson has always argued for more order, more control, less chaos. I think it needs more of that. Why live, if every day is the same?