All Or Nothing


Almost to the day there are four months between the last entry and the present. Fuck. So much fucked up shit has happened in those four months. My not-so-sober head can only pay so much attention to it. Initially I wanted to continue exploring the story around Sangea, but currently too many other thoughts are rushing through my brain. Fuck. I’m scared. Like serious fucking scared. I get to know this amazing, wonderful person and can’ t stop thinking about what happened with Sarah and Liz. Too much to bear. Fuck. I am afraid of saying something careless again, which leads to her becoming shocked and backing away. I am considering to send her these words as well. Fuck. She was the first person ever to completely read all the previous pages. Not even Nora and Maya ever received everything before. I’ve only sent fragments – I had no other reason to do so. What’s happening to me? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I can’t find an adequate description of what’s going on inside me right now. I don’t fucking want everything to go down in flames again. I don’t want our relationship to be strained in any way. I explained to her a few days ago what poly means to me and why it’s so important in my life. I don’t want her to think that she has to act differently just because my head automatically thinks in absolutes. How do you explain to a person that nothing matters as long as they’ re just part of your life – in whatever way? I have experienced such tremendous losses in the last few years. Fuck. I still cry occasionally when I think about what happened between Liz and me. I don’t want the past to repeat itself again. The ideal situation would probably be if a relationship such as with Maya and Nora emerges. Absolutely trusting and at the same time completely at ease. Nobody has to be afraid about the other person saying or doing anything that could lead to a drastic split. Simply because the mutual understanding is already far too great. Am I writing this just because I think that she will probably read these words at some point? No. No secrets. I notice how it makes me feel incredibly good writing with her and how I am encouraged to question my own actions. I don’t want to lose that, not at any cost. I can’t turn back. It’s happened. Again. In an incredibly short time, my brain has built up an intense emotional connection from which there is no painless escape. Was this planned? It most certainly was not. It makes me susceptible. Vulnerable. If she decides everything’s getting too much for her, then others can pick up the pieces again. Haven’t had any nightly phone calls with Alex for years, due to the fact that I was lying on my floor in desperation and couldn’t cope with my life anymore. Well, that would be something again. Fuck. What is she going to think when she reads these lines? That I have completely lost my mind and am no longer master of my own senses? How do you describe the extreme fear of “losing” another human being? Of course I have no claim to her time and sympathy, however, this doesn’t change the fact that I have gotten very used to it by now. It’s the paradoxical situation of never being able to blame her if she withdraws and at the same time it would emotionally fuck me up beyond belief. As indifferent as I am towards most people, I feel intensely for some chosen ones. Is it strange that my head is capable of such feelings even though it has never met the other person face to face? I do not know. How do I put it into words when all I really want is for everything to remain as it is? For neither one of us having to feel uncomfortable while interacting with the other? Will this question alone suffice as an answer? Will she be able to understand what is going on inside me if I send her these words? Should I even do that? Or do I take the risk of everything suddenly becoming super awkward and fucked up and we can never talk to each other again like before? But in fact it is nothing new what I am describing here. She already knows by now that my head always categorizes in extremes. She probably could have guessed long ago that this goes beyond simple sympathy, because otherwise I just wouldn’t spend so much time with this interaction. I suppose none of this would be a new insight for her. Fuck. I just want things to stay the same. Is that too much to ask? I’m afraid to send her those words, and I want her to know what’s going on with me. I think it’s mainly because I’m not completely sure she can break away from the traditional man-woman dichotomy. For me, it doesn’t really matter what specifically happens between us as long as the mutual trust remains intact. How do I adequately explain my perception of such an interaction? How do I explain the mental barrier in my head, which makes it completely impossible for me to do anything of what I know it would be uncomfortable for her? I can’t even stretch the truth in my favor, because I would immediately feel I was betraying her trust. Congratulations, you have arrived at the same level as my other friends. I’m completely serious. For once, no cynicism. This is just the first time that I am so consciously reflecting on what has happened between us in the last few weeks. And I see a lot of parallels. Good parallels. I’ve probably already made the decision to send you these words to read. The fact that I’m addressing you directly now…maybe that’s the asymmetry you were talking about. Even if it’s not the way you thought it would be. I don’t care about dating, because I’m much more fascinated by the human being. How do you explain that to someone who isn’t really familiar with that kind of perception? All the time, I just hope I somehow manage to explain it. Fuck. I don’t mean to tear down everything we’ve built up over the last few weeks. My head reacts more extreme than you’re probably used to, but I never said otherwise. Fuck. If I go to sleep right now and I read your message in the morning, I’m gonna fight with myself over whether it’s a good idea to send you those lines. Most likely I will do it and I can hardly put into words how much I hope to avoid making a huge mistake. If I do… well, at least I’ll have an interview at the clinic on Tuesday. It’s probably something to work on then. Oh, the irony.

You are a decent human being. Behave accordingly.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s