Apathy

25.04.2019

My sleep rhythm has shifted again. I woke up, once again, only after 3pm, because I couldn’t fall asleep for what felt like an eternity. Or, to be completely honest, I thought I couldn’t fall asleep. I didn’t even try it. Although it has worked quite well in the past. Isn’t life strange? We consciously make the same mistakes over and over again and then wonder why nothing changes. But do we really wonder? Or don’t we already know that our behavior doesn’t bring the expected results because we neither change ourselves nor our behavior? This writing, for example. This is something new for me. So this consistent regularity and the fact that I do it before I even open my browser to immerse myself once more in the infinite worlds of social media and gaming streams. Of course, I would be much more productive if I just paid much less attention to the two things I mentioned. But it’s so simple, so convenient. Simply leaning back, not having to think and just being entertained. The most successful way to apathy is the decision to transition from producer to consumer. You become more and more indifferent. When I look back on the past three and a half months, I wonder what I actually achieved. Well, I wrote my book step by step towards completion, but it felt incredibly slow. Or is my expectation simply too high? Could I really have done more? Or am I actually doing pretty well on average? Oh, I really don’t know at all. Do other people also have these thoughts? Are my thoughts normal or blatantly special? I have no idea. I like to surrender myself to the hope that every human being is in some way following such thoughts. That would at least give me the feeling of not rowing completely alone towards the shore in the middle of this ocean of everyday madness. It strikes me at this point that, while writing these pages, I occasionally develop expressions of which I am actually somewhat proud and hope that I can perhaps reuse them elsewhere. That’s all. My morning jumble of thoughts will eventually become something with structure and real value to it. Then this whole exercise would actually have a meaning beyond the pure end in itself. Especially when I write these pages for a year, I have enough material to fill two books. The only problem is that I somehow doubt whether there are really such weird people who would like to read this completely unstructured mess and spend money on it. So the whole thing will end up on my blog sooner or later. Speaking of a blog. I wanted to finally put it online. About that? Just do it and all? Well, I wish I would stick to my own advice more often. Jesus, what could my life be simple! It seems as if all solutions are already in front of me and all I have to do is access them, but something prevents me every time I even dare to reach out. Or am I just imagining this again and looking for more excuses and justifications to surrender to my apathy again? Or is it both? A self-confirming cycle? Something holds me back, so I become apathetic and because I am apathetic, I hold myself back again. Sounds surprisingly coherent. All that remains is the question of what is holding me back at all. I don’t even feel particularly bad, rather indifferent. But often bad is more a question of perspective. Maybe indifferent is actually bad, because I lack passion, but it is needed to achieve the goals I have set for myself. So, is the new task to rekindle my passion and to be absorbed in writing again? Doesn’t sound too wrong. Against apathy and all. If I do the same thing every day, then my experience will be the same every day. Only through change shall I have other experiences. Well, just where to begin? Simply do things differently. Now I only have to find out exactly what those things are.