19.05.2019
Life moves in very strange circles sometimes. Well, not mine. It currently runs in a very monotonous, very unhealthy, destructive, but certainly not strange circle. If I were to string together all the days of the past weeks like a snake of dominoes, most of them would differ at most in a few small details. I eat and drink almost the same thing every day, my activities are almost identically unproductive and my mood is either in the dump or at the level of complete indifference. At this point one could even look at it a bit optimistically: The “classic” borderline symptoms fade into the background, as they have almost no trigger, while a tangible depression takes its place. Depending on one’s perspective, this might be a step forward. However, in view of my current physical and mental condition, I dare to doubt it strongly. Hm. I have the feeling that I come to this point very often in the last days, where I realize that it can’t go on like this. Yet another cycle like that. Good. Problem recognized, danger averted. How’s that? How did I put it a while ago? It needs an action plan. Action! Yaha! My. Life. Is. Missing. Action. Definitely. I must break out of this utter monotony. That’s what I need the basics for. Starting with sleep. Tonight I will get as much sleep as my body deems necessary until it finally feels fit and rested again. Admittedly, the term “night” is a bit exaggerated considering the rays of sunshine running against my dark curtains, but at least the idea is what counts. After sleep is resolved, I will take a shower. Even before the first coffee and black tea. I firmly believe that this morning shower is necessary in order not to feel even more run-down than is often enough the case. Afterwards breakfast follows. For this I currently still lack the necessary ingredients, so I have to go shopping. As soon as I am back, I will prepare breakfast including coffee and tea, while I clean the kitchen and continue to listen to the course on neuroscience. Obviously, I am currently not able to concentrate at home. Ergo I have to get out of the house again. Off to the library. With tons of people running around. That’ s what headphones are for. I have to go out. Fuck Social Anxiety. Okay, I’m off to the library, where I’m finally gonna work on my book. Around 9 or 10 p.m. I will leave for home to start my workout immediately. Afterwards I can watch the season finale of Game of Thrones. I had just instinctively planned to postpone it until the morning, but no. Not this time. Emotional regulation and all. The final goal of the day is to be in bed by four o’clock at the latest, ideally already asleep, so leave the PC before then. Whenever I feel the need to simply hide away, I will remind myself that a change in my behaviour is necessary if I also want to feel changes in my perception in order to ultimately suffer less. Sounds like a pretty detailed action plan. I like it. Now all that’s left is to implement it. I can already feel the first inner resistance telling me what I could do instead. But no. There’s got to be a start back to normal. Or even any start in that direction. All the other things that my head is showing me right now and making me aware how pleasant they are, I have experienced during the past weeks and months. With what result? I feel as crappy as I haven’t felt in years. A human being needs occupation, otherwise it withers away just like a flower without sunlight. By the way, I could use some more of that. So it’s only to my advantage if I get out of my cave tomorrow. If I write myself an action plan like this every day for a while now, then it wouldn’t be so bad. Even better if I make it happen. My head is telling me right now not to go to the library, but to work here instead. Hmm. At least it would save some time. Okay, deal with myself: If I can stay focused and work here tomorrow, I can do it again. If instead I just loaf around all day again, I’ll go to the library among people in the future. My choice. Action plan with pointing finger. Good idea.
Egotheist 