Belong

I finally did it. I wrote a couple of hundred words for my manuscript. Not much, but still a lot more than the previous months. That’s a start, I guess. One reason why it wasn’t any more was probably because I was sitting in one of my favourite bars and the conversations I was having at the same time required too much of my attention. Which is definitely a good indicator for the quality of the conversations. Had a rather interesting discussion with a woman at the bar later on about languages, education, leadership styles and, of course, randomness and uncertainty. My current favourite topics. Isn’t it ironic that so much of the chaos and extreme experiences of my past are so perfectly captured by these terms? None of the things which massively shaped me as a human being in my character development could have been foreseen back then. I was completely unprepared each time. And each time I almost perished. It is a strange feeling to think of how often I sat on the bridge, because I no longer understood the world and myself. I just wanted everything to be over. A short, painful moment and then redemptory nothing. It was so tempting. Sure, now, many years later, I can understand why I felt this way. Can rationalize, explain, classify, categorize and more. Hindsight-bias at its best. How to be happy in a world I don’t understand? This could very well become my new leitmotif. I think it perfectly captures my mental chaos, to which I all too often have no answer. But here we are – what is happiness? Honestly? I have no fucking idea. Other people talk about friends, family, job satisfaction and all that stuff. But for me? I’m just confused. I have amazing friends, the work I do is quite relaxing, and I never cared about family. Shouldn’t I be happy? But for what there are no words, one must remain silent. Wittgenstein. Roughly quoted. I should reread some of that. It’s been a few years since I dealt with him, too. Irony of history: Many names Taleb refers to in his books have come across to me on my own intellectual journey before, only now in a new context. We don’t just look for ideas in books, but also for books fitting our ideas. A wonderful circle-jerk. Nevertheless, somehow insight emerges from it. Doesn’t it? It’s a complicated process which I don’t really understand myself. Still, I believe that I am at a better point today than I was a few years ago. When I sent Nora today an excerpt from my reflections on Valerie yesterday, her first reaction was: “You know what I see? Character development!” This was so wholesome. Gosh. What did I do to deserve such fantastic friends? I tell them far too rarely how incredibly grateful I am for being a part of my life. I should probably do it more often. But they know it, and I don’t want to seem redundant. Paradoxical ambivalence. Life can often be so confusing. Speaking of confusing. I finally found a book title that I’m quite happy with. “Life and Other Errors”. Sounds quite catchy. If I don’t become super successful with it, then I don’t know what else I should do. Probably just keep writing and hope that things will change some day. Meet new people, make connections and somehow something will happen. It almost always does. Today I finally sent Javier two logo designs for the start-up. I’d like to work with him a lot more, but currently I don’t have the energy to focus on it. I hope this will change again during the next weeks. When I told him that, he was also very understanding and wished me strength to get through this. Before that, I had been toying with the idea of telling him some half-true story, which is why I didn’t get in touch earlier and did more. But I think he appreciated my openness. Anyway, I suspect that we often expect more negative reactions from our fellow human beings than it would actually be reasonable. I think most people can deal with this very well if they are confronted with honest relationships. It provides them with a feeling of security and trust, so that they do not have to constantly question whether the current picture is actually true. People are so simple-minded, yet incredibly complex creatures. And I’m standing right in the middle of it. Sometimes I feel like I’m standing motionless in the middle of a time-lapse while the camera lets crowds of people rush by on the left and right. Alone amidst the ocean of everyday life. All my life I never wanted to be special. I always thought all this individualism crap was just nonsense. Everybody talked about how independent, autonomous, emancipated and whatnot they were. This was usually expressed by posting some of those super individual, edgy motivational slogans on Facebook or Instagram, so everyone would know what kind of crazy revolutionaries they were. I never cared. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to fit in. I always felt like an outsider and accordingly I was one. I read while others were drinking and drunk while others were reading. Probably not quite so extreme, but you get the point.