Change

02.05.2019

Actually managed to write a bit yesterday. And I immediately noticed that I can’t put some of the things I wrote over a year ago this way any longer. The arrogance with which I wrote back then is now quite alienating to me, so I will inevitably have to adjust these passages. It’s kind of fascinating how much people can change in a relatively short period of time. I probably never would have dared to dream at that time that my realistic writings would one day adopt this style. Probably few people who have known me for a long time would have. But if you try for years to build and maintain a cynical, anti-social image, it might not surprise so much that you get tired of this behavior at some point. When I think back to how many people I’ve treated badly and how often I’ve behaved like shit, I’m appalled by myself. Am I now purified, so to speak? I do not know. I certainly think that I am still capable of extreme cruelty and manipulation, should the situation require it, but the difference to back then is, above all, that I no longer consciously search for these situations or even create them, but avoid them as far as possible. I know about the problems of my personality, that I can be a very charming person, which can be very intriguing for others, because they can’t see through the façade and don’t know which abysses are hidden behind it. My life, my abilities have caused a lot of suffering for other people in the past years and I wish I could undo these things. Of course this is not possible and will remain forever only a naive wishful dream. It is, however, regrettable. I don’t even think that I am drowning myself in self-pity right now, because I don’t feel particularly bad or pitiable, it is rather a realistic snapshot of what happened then. We all used to be different. We lived different lives, had different dreams, made different mistakes. A person is a dynamic being that is constantly changing. The completely unrealistic assertion that “people never really change anyway” is in the end exactly that: unrealistic. Our behavior is influenced by myriads of countless factors that often elude our complete control and yet unfold their effects on our lives. Sometimes it almost seems as if we are just toys of superior forces and our only possibility to find a little orientation in the chaos of life is to react to every situation anew and to adapt our behaviour accordingly. Occasionally we are lucky and find the best possible answer, but often we are powerless in the face of an event for which we simply have no solution. No blueprint, no patent recipe, not even a basic idea of what we are dealing with. Accepting that there will always be situations in one’s own life that are beyond one’s direct control can provide a lot of inner peace. We can never extend our sphere of influence in such a way that we can subject every possibility to our violence in advance. Of course not. What a trivial insight. Anyone who ever believed that can no longer be helped anyway. Nobody can control everything. Which has always been one of the major logical problems of monotheistic religions. If we have a proclaimed free will (we do not), then there cannot be an omniscient, omnipotent God, because he would have to know everything which logically excludes a free will and the acausal decisions based on it. To be honest, I do envy faithful people a little bit. They have found a simplistic answer to the great questions of life that works for them. What is the human being? What does it strive for? What is a good life? To this day, I am looking for the answers that really satisfy me. Although I have some initial attempts of explanation, I have not yet succeeded in reaching a conclusive answer. Maybe I never will. I don’t know. But I don’t know so many things, the list is endless and seems to get longer every day of my life. May I never presume to possess perfect knowledge.

You are a decent human being. Behave accordingly.

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