Infinity of Nothing

09.05.2019

Once again today was unproductive as fuck. Basically I spent the whole day just playing Dota and watching series. Well, at least there was enough motivation for exercise in between, but apart from that it looked rather mediocre. This whole clinic story is probably not a bad idea. Now it just has to happen somehow. That is: wait and drink tea. Literally. It’s so weird, people keep telling me how intelligent I am and what mental abilities I possess. But somehow I regularly fail to use these ominous skills for my own good. But as soon as it comes down to feeling like shit, hurting myself, driving my life up against the wall – oh, boy, I develop unprecedented powers. I often have the feeling that everything seems to pass by. My life, that of others and chaos everywhere. I am drifting completely disoriented across an ocean of nothing in the midst of infinity. What a beautiful, completely meaningless statement. Like, what the fuck? A statement that could hardly be more meaningless and trivial. Instagram phrase. Once again. I’ll bet, if I post this in a modified form on Facebook, that some people find it insanely intellectual and like it? Oh, that sounds super deep and profound. It’s really awesome and stuff. Gah. People are so horrible. And I curse myself for despising most of them so often. I know I shouldn’t do that. I know that it is not socially acceptable, but heavens. Narrow-minded people, who nevertheless somehow get their lives together. Or maybe just because of that. Is that the sheer envy speaking through me? Probably. It’s not as if I don’t recognize it and have a lack of self-reflection. All I lack is the ability to draw the right conclusions. Merely. Good joke. As if it were nothing. But it is everything. Disoriented across an ocean of nothing in the midst of infinity. Perhaps not so meaningless after all. Cosmically speaking, our life is completely meaningless and purposeless. Beyond our very manageable sphere of social interaction, no one cares what happens to us. Maybe it’s better that way, too. My life would be just a tragedy in three acts anyway. Why do I have the feeling that I am in the last one? You do matter. I read it in the description of the YouTube video which I’ m listening to. Hm. Probably. Somehow. Jonathan also told me that on the phone yesterday. And Maya, when I wrote her. Nora as well. And, oh, too many others. Isn’t it unfair that we can’t end our lives because too many people are attached to it and we have a certain responsibility towards them? When I think about how difficult it is for Alicia at the moment and I would then decide to put an end to all this misery, how could I ever justify this to myself? If she gets the news of my death, it might drag her even deeper into the abyss than all that other shit. I couldn’t possibly do that to her. She means far too much to me. Nora and Maya too. I live because other people want to see me live. But do I want to see myself alive? I don’t know. Sometimes I am afraid of dying. But most days I simply don’t care. I keep wishing that something would happen that I cannot control, so that I can just sit back and relax and say: That’s it. I’m done. There is something very appealing about this idea. But of course that won’t happen. Despite everything, I still live a comparatively healthy life. Damn ego. Oh, I don’t know where all this stuff eventually leads. I wish I had answers, but I’ve been searching for them my whole life without success. I would like to help other people, but how can I do that if I cannot even help myself and wander around completely confused? Completely disoriented across an ocean of nothing in the midst of infinity. Tush. Exit. The curtain falls.

You are a decent human being. Behave accordingly.

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