Illusion Of Control

Illusion Of Control

20.05.2019

Today was fascinating in many ways. Although I didn’t manage to work (although I had short impulses once in a while, which were suppressed by other things), most of the other parts of the action plan were successfully implemented. Especially the fact that after a few days break I finally started working out again and even managed to be in bed only a few minutes after 4 am. Although this day was not a hundred percent success, it was still more rewarding than the previous one. In addition, this morning, in a moment of phenomenal realization, I threw away the last bottle of alcohol (there are still some bitters here, they don’t really count). It was about 30€ for the quarter liter ending up in the drain. Objectively, of course, this was a waste of money, but the symbolic act was quite liberating. If you want get shit done, burn the boats. I also received the invitation to the first interview at the clinic today. Due date 15.07.2019. That means there are less than two months to go before I will finally be in therapeutic treatment again. But it was a good start. A step, in the right direction. Your arrogance will get you killed one day. Those were pretty much Maya’s words to me before she practically forced me to seek help. I know she was right about that. When I look at how much I have fallen, especially in the last few weeks, mentally and physically, her intervention was more than overdue. I wish I alone had the strength to do this, but wise advice can always be better given from the outside than applied to the situation at hand. Well then, the first step has been taken, now it is time to wait and see. But this idea of an action plan is a reasonable one. The question is, what does tomorrow look like? After getting up, a shower, then breakfast and some education. I guess I’ll wake up around 2 p.m., so I finish my morning meal around 3 or 3:30 p.m. Since tomorrow is Tuesday, it’s time to socialize and debate again. The bus for that leaves shortly after 6 pm. That leaves me about two and a half hours to work. Today instead I watched Game of Thrones and the sixth season of Ray Donovan and played No Man’s Sky. I think I can make better use of those two and a half hours tomorrow. On the one hand, I’ll be writing applications for new jobs. It’s time for me to get back in touch with money and people. Or vice versa. After that, I’m going to work on the chapter on the theory of science while listening to relaxing music. Fortunately, I have already done a good amount of preliminary work and added comments to the relevant passages. After I’ve done that, I’m off to university and debating. Social isolation is unhealthy or even deadly in the long run, I read today. True. The logical conclusion is to work against it. The evening, on the other hand, is somewhat questionable. I’ll probably spend some more time with the people from the club, but the goal should be that I leave for home around 11 pm. Once there, I can do what I’ve wanted to do for a long time: Include running in my training routine. Strength training is all fine and dandy, but I notice that my stamina leaves a lot to be desired, so it only makes sense if I work on it specifically. Especially when I think about the fact that I would like to actively do martial arts again in the foreseeable future. A good stamina is only an advantage there. After returning from running, I can end the evening relaxed with some kind of activity. If I would rather play games during the two and a half hours of productivity, I know how to prevent this by not starting Steam at all. Burn the boats and stuff. There’s also the Cold Turkey Blocker. That would be like “Nuke the whole fucking beach”. Smile. Anyway, the final goal for tomorrow is to be in bed by 3:00 a.m. at the latest. I’m trying to go to bed a little bit earlier to adjust my sleep rhythm. It can only get better than it is now anyway, so I am quite confident this is a good approach. Good, action plan set, now only the implementation remains. Huah!

Adapt. Implement. Overcome.

Adapt. Implement. Overcome.

19.05.2019

Life moves in very strange circles sometimes. Well, not mine. It currently runs in a very monotonous, very unhealthy, destructive, but certainly not strange circle. If I were to string together all the days of the past weeks like a snake of dominoes, most of them would differ at most in a few small details. I eat and drink almost the same thing every day, my activities are almost identically unproductive and my mood is either in the dump or at the level of complete indifference. At this point one could even look at it a bit optimistically: The “classic” borderline symptoms fade into the background, as they have almost no trigger, while a tangible depression takes its place. Depending on one’s perspective, this might be a step forward. However, in view of my current physical and mental condition, I dare to doubt it strongly. Hm. I have the feeling that I come to this point very often in the last days, where I realize that it can’t go on like this. Yet another cycle like that. Good. Problem recognized, danger averted. How’s that? How did I put it a while ago? It needs an action plan. Action! Yaha! My. Life. Is. Missing. Action. Definitely. I must break out of this utter monotony. That’s what I need the basics for. Starting with sleep. Tonight I will get as much sleep as my body deems necessary until it finally feels fit and rested again. Admittedly, the term “night” is a bit exaggerated considering the rays of sunshine running against my dark curtains, but at least the idea is what counts. After sleep is resolved, I will take a shower. Even before the first coffee and black tea. I firmly believe that this morning shower is necessary in order not to feel even more run-down than is often enough the case. Afterwards breakfast follows. For this I currently still lack the necessary ingredients, so I have to go shopping. As soon as I am back, I will prepare breakfast including coffee and tea, while I clean the kitchen and continue to listen to the course on neuroscience. Obviously, I am currently not able to concentrate at home. Ergo I have to get out of the house again. Off to the library. With tons of people running around. That’ s what headphones are for. I have to go out. Fuck Social Anxiety. Okay, I’m off to the library, where I’m finally gonna work on my book. Around 9 or 10 p.m. I will leave for home to start my workout immediately. Afterwards I can watch the season finale of Game of Thrones. I had just instinctively planned to postpone it until the morning, but no. Not this time. Emotional regulation and all. The final goal of the day is to be in bed by four o’clock at the latest, ideally already asleep, so leave the PC before then. Whenever I feel the need to simply hide away, I will remind myself that a change in my behaviour is necessary if I also want to feel changes in my perception in order to ultimately suffer less. Sounds like a pretty detailed action plan. I like it. Now all that’s left is to implement it. I can already feel the first inner resistance telling me what I could do instead. But no. There’s got to be a start back to normal. Or even any start in that direction. All the other things that my head is showing me right now and making me aware how pleasant they are, I have experienced during the past weeks and months. With what result? I feel as crappy as I haven’t felt in years. A human being needs occupation, otherwise it withers away just like a flower without sunlight. By the way, I could use some more of that. So it’s only to my advantage if I get out of my cave tomorrow. If I write myself an action plan like this every day for a while now, then it wouldn’t be so bad. Even better if I make it happen. My head is telling me right now not to go to the library, but to work here instead. Hmm. At least it would save some time. Okay, deal with myself: If I can stay focused and work here tomorrow, I can do it again. If instead I just loaf around all day again, I’ll go to the library among people in the future. My choice. Action plan with pointing finger. Good idea.

State Of Emergency

State Of Emergency

18.05.2019

For years I have been trying to answer a central question. Which is worse: extreme emotionality or a void? For years I have been searching for an answer, but so far I have not found it. Currently, however, I am tending more and more towards the latter. Pain is palpable. It is something real. Physical or mental, at least you can feel it. Know it’s there. But how do you describe emptiness? How does it feel other than, well, empty? Is the absence of something still… anything? My life always moves only between these two points. Either incredibly intense emotions or an indifferent void. The extent to which I experience both is probably around 30% emotion, 70% emptiness. These are almost similar relations as the ratio of matter to dark matter. This comparison even works twice, because just like the perceived emptiness, dark matter cannot be directly detected, although we are very sure that it exists. Every time I return from extreme emotions back to the waiting arms of emptiness, I ask myself shortly afterwards whether I only imagined everything that was going on before. If this actually just happened. Provided I regain consciousness in the hospital, then yes, it probably did happen, but fortunately this is the exception rather than the rule. Status report: somewhere between lethargy and a state of emergency. A never-ending cycle. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. The perpetual motion machine of self-destruction. In all these years, I have not been able to escape. Maya was right. I should have taken action much sooner. Success story of the day: Wrote an email to the hospital. At last. After almost two weeks of waiting. Maybe it will end up like that one time in Halle, when I was standing in front of the clinic in the middle of the night, completely exhausted, and was sent back home. This is probably the craziest story I have ever experienced so far. I regret a little not having the presence of mind to get the name of the responsible doctor to sue him for not helping me. But considering the fact that I was very close to actually performing the final cut, it’s not surprising that my focus was elsewhere. However, I have some concerns about the possibility of such a person continuing to work in a psychiatric hospital and possibly endangering patients seriously through such behavior. But that was several years ago. Kind of crazy. I still have that night pretty clear in my mind and know how I felt in that situation. How, in an absurd mixture of overexcitement and emotional desperation, I spoke to the doctor on the phone, only to be told they sent me home because my situation did not seem serious enough. Well, somehow he was right, too, as I obviously didn’t kill myself back then, but as I am still in an at least comparable situation so many years later, this doesn’t necessarily speak for his medical expertise. Very well. Now we wait and see. I am relatively confident that things will go differently this time. So far my encounters with the staff of the psychiatric department of the clinic have been consistently positive, therefore I assume things will remain this way. I can always claim later that everything was shitty. Besides, this time I have made a firm commitment to be truly honest with those who are trying to help me. I remember not telling some of the very unpleasant things back then, but this time it will be different. I have the feeling this could be my last chance to get my life back on track. Failing again at this point will most likely have highly destructive consequences. Somewhere I still have Akira’s number and another encounter between us would probably not only end up with police and ambulance, but also with a forensic pathologist determining an overdose on both our corpses. Theatrical, but a fitting end. However, at the moment I don’t really feel a desire for such a cinematic ending, so this may wait. Ideally, it never happens, since this time I finally manage to pull it together. Everything. Me and my life. Balancing lethargy and the state of emergency.