Ghosts Of The Past

Ghosts Of The Past

10.05.2019

Technically, I do write these pieces in the morning. Just on a VERY early morning. It’s probably mainly a question of perspective. Independent of that, I have a clear plan for tonight. Aha, now it is night after all? Sssh! I want to continue talking to myself in peace. Ahem. Anyway, today I will put more emphasis on getting enough sleep. For some unknown reason ( well, I drank too much and didn’t feel really good in general) this was hardly possible during the last days. So it’s high time for that to change. It’s also really annoying. Alicia will stop by later. That will be good, I think. Haven’t seen each other for several months. A lot has happened since then. I move along a steady downward spiral towards the abyss and lack the adequate abilities to stop this process. Sooner or later, it will happen. After all: My Dota skills have improved rapidly. If this continues, there will be sufficient time for a professional career. Joke. It would be cool, but it’s also kind of pretty hard unrealistic. On the other hand, the distraction of gambling probably saved me from completely losing it. The fact that many hours a day my complete focus is external made it possible for me to keep my presence of mind and not to go crazy every day. Lifehack: When the mind is busy with other tasks, it lacks the capacity to remember why it should feel like shit. Aren’t I simply incomprehensibly wise? Heavy shit. Someone like me should urgently write a book and share his own ingenuity with others. Oh, wait…damn. Foolish. This pseudoarrogance, offensively displayed, somehow doesn’t work as well as it used to. Well, back then everything was somehow easier. I was the arrogant prick, who didn’t care about anything and who made it through life anyway. Now I’m just confused. Disoriented on an ocean of nothing. By the way, I was right. I posted this as a statement on Facebook and collected a few likes. People are so predictable. I don’t even really blame them. After all, it’s exactly what you expect – as humans. But there are simply no surprises. The interaction with most people has become so boring. Unexpected or extreme things hardly happen anymore. But wasn’t that what I always wanted? A bit more stability and normality? Oh, I don’t know either. Everything has become so terribly complicated. A part of me misses these extremes very much. The feelings that always went along with it. I got to know and love Alicia under these circumstances. I think I never told her that so clearly, but considering that after all these years and fucked-up episodes I didn’t split on her, there should be more than enough proof. Some things don’t need spoken words for their self-evidentiality. Another instagram quote. I get pretty good at developing such phrases. Maybe I should just become a professional copywriter for Instagram? I’ll be the keyword provider for all those super blatant influencers, while I’ll always subtly incorporate a meta-level that only three percent of followers might notice. But it would be worth it. Sounds fun, actually. I should write it on my big What-The-Fuck-Am-I-Doing-With-My-Life list. Right at the top. Or almost. Somewhere at least. After all, I’ve recorded it here now, so the idea as such is unlikely to disappear so quickly. That’s also quite nice somehow. Natalia hasn’t contacted me yet. Either she has a lot on her mind again or I really blew it before anything great happened at all. Under these circumstances it’s probably better that way. I don’t think it would be fair to put all my issues on her conscience. On the other hand, it would be tragicomic if she would actually get in touch and we arrange a meeting. Then I would have to somehow find out how best to limit the damage or whether it is necessary at all. Maybe she is also characterized by an overwhelming resilience that simply shakes off the emotional ballast. That would be enormously enviable. A question for reflection while sleeping: Am I even able to have a reasonably stable relationship with a neurotypical person?

Infinity of Nothing

Infinity of Nothing

09.05.2019

Once again today was unproductive as fuck. Basically I spent the whole day just playing Dota and watching series. Well, at least there was enough motivation for exercise in between, but apart from that it looked rather mediocre. This whole clinic story is probably not a bad idea. Now it just has to happen somehow. That is: wait and drink tea. Literally. It’s so weird, people keep telling me how intelligent I am and what mental abilities I possess. But somehow I regularly fail to use these ominous skills for my own good. But as soon as it comes down to feeling like shit, hurting myself, driving my life up against the wall – oh, boy, I develop unprecedented powers. I often have the feeling that everything seems to pass by. My life, that of others and chaos everywhere. I am drifting completely disoriented across an ocean of nothing in the midst of infinity. What a beautiful, completely meaningless statement. Like, what the fuck? A statement that could hardly be more meaningless and trivial. Instagram phrase. Once again. I’ll bet, if I post this in a modified form on Facebook, that some people find it insanely intellectual and like it? Oh, that sounds super deep and profound. It’s really awesome and stuff. Gah. People are so horrible. And I curse myself for despising most of them so often. I know I shouldn’t do that. I know that it is not socially acceptable, but heavens. Narrow-minded people, who nevertheless somehow get their lives together. Or maybe just because of that. Is that the sheer envy speaking through me? Probably. It’s not as if I don’t recognize it and have a lack of self-reflection. All I lack is the ability to draw the right conclusions. Merely. Good joke. As if it were nothing. But it is everything. Disoriented across an ocean of nothing in the midst of infinity. Perhaps not so meaningless after all. Cosmically speaking, our life is completely meaningless and purposeless. Beyond our very manageable sphere of social interaction, no one cares what happens to us. Maybe it’s better that way, too. My life would be just a tragedy in three acts anyway. Why do I have the feeling that I am in the last one? You do matter. I read it in the description of the YouTube video which I’ m listening to. Hm. Probably. Somehow. Jonathan also told me that on the phone yesterday. And Maya, when I wrote her. Nora as well. And, oh, too many others. Isn’t it unfair that we can’t end our lives because too many people are attached to it and we have a certain responsibility towards them? When I think about how difficult it is for Alicia at the moment and I would then decide to put an end to all this misery, how could I ever justify this to myself? If she gets the news of my death, it might drag her even deeper into the abyss than all that other shit. I couldn’t possibly do that to her. She means far too much to me. Nora and Maya too. I live because other people want to see me live. But do I want to see myself alive? I don’t know. Sometimes I am afraid of dying. But most days I simply don’t care. I keep wishing that something would happen that I cannot control, so that I can just sit back and relax and say: That’s it. I’m done. There is something very appealing about this idea. But of course that won’t happen. Despite everything, I still live a comparatively healthy life. Damn ego. Oh, I don’t know where all this stuff eventually leads. I wish I had answers, but I’ve been searching for them my whole life without success. I would like to help other people, but how can I do that if I cannot even help myself and wander around completely confused? Completely disoriented across an ocean of nothing in the midst of infinity. Tush. Exit. The curtain falls.

Split

Split

08.05.2019

I must confess, I’m quite a bit proud of myself. After I had drunk too much yesterday without any reason and was again tempted today to prepare some delicious mixed drinks, I did not succumb to it and remained alcohol-free. That’s in consideration of the fact that I neither exercised nor was productive in any other way today and also suffer from a certain sleep deficit, which in turn leads to less self-control, not such a bad yield of the day. Furthermore, I saw Endgame in the cinema for the second time. Conclusion: Yup, still a damn good film. In addition, I took another step towards normalizing my social behavior by asking Natalia whether we finally wanted to meet in person. She seems to be a very reasonable, consistent person with clear ideas about life. Almost the exact opposite of my own broken personality. What could possibly go wrong? Probably everything. Which, considering my background of experience, wouldn’t be so far off, of course, but in the end there are hardly any other options left to me than to try again. Which, of course, immediately raises the question of how I should talk to her about my whole self-drama. In my recent messages I have tried to at least let a hint of it echo, but the actual dimensions of the rat’s tail of my psyche can only be guessed based on them. On the other hand, waiting too long would be counterproductive and unfair. From this point of view, this could even lead to somewhat absurd and amusing situations: And how did you get to know each other? Oh, as usual during online dating and on the first date, I explained that I’ve been fighting with borderline for years, regularly injuring myself, conducting a dysfunctional relationship life and in general I’m the most unsuitable person for something like a life together. So the usual stuff. But I could also show her these lines here. Then I could save myself the many words and would have settled the most difficult part. Natalia, if you ever read this and I was crazy enough to let you share these thoughts: If you still want to spend time with me somehow, I would feel incredibly honored. Not only because I’m incredibly picky and think one could have a pretty good time with you, but also because very few neurotypical people get along with people like me. Well, who can blame them? After all I’ve been through in the last few years, it’s hardly surprising. But it gets better. Let’s see what my condition looks like after my stay at the clinic. Maybe after that, completely new options will open up again. At least it’s a realistic start, I think. My thoughts are jumping again. Should she actually read this here or only this short section above? That could possibly lead to more questions and confusion. Oh, it’s a misery. Social interactions are often so terribly complicated. In addition there is this whole poly story. How do I explain this? Not only borderliner, but also poly? Oh, boy. Experience has shown that this is not a good combination. Whereby, the last time was the story between Annabelle and I. From the beginning it wasn’t headed in a good direction anyway. Combine two unstable borderliners and you have – bingo, a huge, emotional drama that will fuck up at least one side properly. Unfortunately it was, once again, not mine. I should never have gotten involved. She did what I’ve been trying in vain for years: building something like a normal life. When someone like me steps into her life, it naturally causes quite a bit of upheaval. All the signs from the beginning indicated that it’s not a damn good idea if we both get involved and yet we did. Does she still think about it? We haven’t exchanged a single word in months, but hardly a day goes by without me thinking about it. But why? I feel nothing for her. No matter how hard I try, there is nothing left. Then why can’t I stop thinking about it? Is it self-pity? Am I looking for justification? Salvation? Catharsis is nonsense, so certainly not after that. But then what is it? Do I want everything to be as it once was? I with a healthy, emotional distance and she also not too close to me? I don’t know. It’s all so complicated. I do not understand my thinking and feelings at all. Once again. I have no idea how to classify and evaluate everything. Sometimes I feel as if I possess the emotional processing capacities of a five-year-old who is simply overwhelmed with himself and the world. Great prospect. Yippieayeh.