Uncaged

“Look at the stars”, the old man said, “tiny beacons of light inside a beautiful ocean of emptiness. Breathtaking and completely pointless.”

He looked at me and smiled.

“None of them matters. Not a single one. They are as insignificant as you and I. But buried beneath this irrelevance lies power. Your power. One day you will understand it.”

He stared into the darkness of the night again. I followed his gaze, forgetting my surroundings for a moment. A question crawled its path into my consciousness but before I was able to speak, he continued his monologue.

“How long have you been here? Ten, twenty years?”

I nodded slowly.

“And you are still here. Not much has changed, has it? Sure, your body grew, I watched you become stronger over the years but your mind? It’s still as lost as it was twenty years ago. You run around, restless, anxious, afraid, not sure what to do next. You are a frightened child inside a man’s body. Tell me, why should anything change if you keep running in circles?”

His grey eyes pierced mine and I felt uneasy but didn’t avoid his sight.

“I have no idea how to break the cycle.”

He grinned.

“Because you are an idiot, that’s why. Ah, don’t look at me like that, you know what I mean. You know exactly what to do, you are just too afraid to turn your thoughts into reality. Instead, every single time when things get complicated, you start to run and hide. Hoping, everything will resolve itself and you can go back being miserable.”

I opened my mouth to protest but he cut me off.

“I know what you are about to say. Have heard it so many times over the years from you. That you are not strong enough, afraid to lose control, scared to make mistakes. Tough luck, my friend, life is all about making mistakes. Failure is man’s default state. We didn’t evolve through sheer will and determination. Nature simply killed off as many failures as she could until eventually, she was stuck with us. Certainly not her best work, but here we are.”

“I know what you are asking me to do. But you know damn well what happened last time. I can never risk that again.”

PHMPF!

The old man hit my head with his wooden cane.

“Ouch! What the fuck, man?”

“Foolish boy! Stop talking nonsense or there is more where that came from! As if you even tried last time. All you did was run away and hid like a fucking coward while it ran rampant. You were so desperate to distract yourself, that you allowed it to play you like a mindless puppet. I know you can do better than that.”

I turned my head and looked into the left corner of the room. There it was. Inside its cage. Held by black, iron chains. Dormant. Waiting. Dangerous.

“What if I can’t? What if I’m too weak to control it?”

PHMPF!

“Argh! Stop it, you crazy fool!”

He simply shrugged and laid his cane back to rest across his legs.

“Told you there is more if you don’t stop talking hogwash. Don’t you see it? Can’t you understand why you failed over and over again? Is it really that difficult?”

I looked at him puzzled.

“Look, old man, why don’t you just tell me what I’m missing.”

The old guy sighed theatrically.

“You are even more moronic than I thought. I tried so many times over the years to provide you with guidance, but apparently your thick skull is just too dense to absorb my wisdom. But fine, I will try again, because, obviously, I have nothing better to do anyway. What if I told you, that you were never meant to control that beast over there? But neither should you chain and cage that poor thing as you did. What does that leave you with?”

My brows started to narrow as I was trying to understand his question.

“I should kill it?”

PHMPF! PHMPF! PHMPF!

With slight panic I tried to cover my head from the blows of his cane.

“Fuck, man, stop it! It fucking hurts!”

His eyes narrowed again and I could see glimpses of rage and frustration.

“I’m amazed you don’t forget to breathe. How one can be this dumb and survive until your age, is beyond my capability of comprehension. Tell me, how long had you our friend over there caged?”

“Uhm…about five years, I think. With one exception, but you remember how well that went, right?”

“Ah, because once again, you were afraid and ran away. But say, besides that one time, how did you feel during these years?”

I remained silent for a second.

“Empty. Numb. In a weird state between not being alive but also not dead.”

His eyes widened with excitement.

“Aha! And now tell me, is your small brain capable of understanding of what will happen if you kill our friend here?”

“I…there will be nothing left but an all-consuming void.”

He clapped his hands.

“Finally! And now tell me, when did you feel most alive? When did you think that life had truly something worthwhile to offer?”

Step by step my mind began to understand. Seemed to realize something I had put aside for so long.

“Whenever the beast was free”, I whispered.

“There you have it. You have a gift, my friend. One, only very few people possess. But instead of nourishing it and exploring its intricacies, you decided that the best course of action would be, to put it into a cage, put chains around it and try to never look at it again. Great idea, well done.”

“But you know what havoc it wreaked when it was free! How many people it hurt! How much pain it caused! How can you say it’s a gift, when all it ever did was causing suffering?”

The old man raised an eyebrow.

“Did it? Was every single moment during its freedom a moment of tremendous pain and suffering? Do you really believe that?”

“Well…no…not always. Sometimes it felt like the air I was breathing felt more refreshing, the rain on my skin more like a gentle reminder that I forgot my coat and someone’s smile was able to brighten my whole week. But…all of those pale in comparison to all the agony it caused me and others.”

He slowly shook his head and sighed again.

“Oh, my dear boy, you have so much to learn. Why do you think all of those awful things happened?”

“Because I lost control over it.”

“No, you fool! Because you never even tried to understand it. I will tell you a secret. Our friend here is stronger than you will ever be. Even now in his cage, I am quite sure he could break out if he really wanted to, but you probably bore him too much so he can’t be bothered. I think the only way forward for you both is to start treating each other with respect. And yes, you don’t put the creatures you respect into cages. That’s not negotiable.”

I stared at the old guy in utter confusion.

“You…you want me to befriend that thing? To trust that it won’t rip my throat out in my sleep? Or hurt someone I love?”

He smiled.

“Well, I don’t think you will be capable of loving anyone as long as you keep our friend looked in his cage. It’s kinda his whole purpose, you know? Well, that and all the rest of what makes your life worth living. But sure, if you think it’s best to keep it in there and continue with your pathetic, miserable life, go on. I won’t hold you back. I will just sit here and judge you for your actions.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Has anybody ever told you that you are an annoying smartass?”

A wide grin was the answer.

“You just did. And yes, you are welcome, glad to be of service. Look, you have tried this whole “uh, I will put my emotional beast into a cage, be super distant and don’t let anyone or anything ever be important to me again, because I cannot handle being hurt or hurting others” thing. But did you feel better? You have shut yourself off for almost five years and for what? Some weird ass idea of control and stability? And what did that get you? You lost your fire, your passion, your drive, your desire and replaced them with emptiness and an all-consuming void. Great job.

It’s about time you faced the one thing which scares you the most. Start treating this beast with respect and kindness, because it’s one of if not the most important part of what makes you…you. The emotional depths you are capable of reaching, the intensity of feelings you are able to experience are nothing to be afraid of. Sure, it won’t always be easy, that comes with the territory, but you told me once, even during your darkest moments, they made you feel alive. It’s time to open the cage, unlock the chains and embrace the most dangerous and most beautiful part of yourself.”

I knew he was right. For far too long did I run away from this beast inside the cage. But if I ever wanted to experience true, lasting change, I had to hold out my hand and set the one thing free I was most afraid of.

I had no idea how this would affect my future behaviour but I was determined to find out. I reminded myself of all the amazing times before I put it into the cage. The rush of excitement when bodies meet, the passion of creating art, the longing for connection, the fulfilment of desire when you find it. Every single time I felt alive. The old man was right.

It was about to time to leave the void behind. Life and all its emotional turmoil were calling. The beast was free, walking beside me, as eager to see as I where our path would lead.