Regrets

One day, we will be no more. One day, all that is left of us are memories. One day, even those pictures of the past will fade. One day, we will return to the stars we once emerged from.

Room Of Broken Dreams

I buried a lot of myself in the past. Ideas of what could have been. Visions of the person I wanted to become. Now, nothing more but dust on the pictures I collect in my head.

Sometimes I close my eyes and start to wander through the sheer endless halls of the place I’ve built inside my mind. I look at all those moments, which faded so long ago.

Here is a vision of me enrolling to a prestigious acting school and then pursuing my dream of being on stage or in front of a camera. I always loved doing that. But I never followed through with this idea. Play it safe. Better have structure. Too much insecurity. I still hear the warnings of many people around me. Little did they and I know that my life turned out to be everything but secure and structured the following years. Oh, the irony.

But in the end, it was I who didn’t follow this particular passion. To this day, it’s one of the biggest regrets I have in my life. Would this path have been a difficult one? Most likely. But my life wasn’t exactly an easy one regardless and I probably would have managed. Is it too late now? I have no idea.

Or take a look at another picture. Yours truly, in front of thousands of people on stage, mixing music and ensuring everyone has an amazing time. The crowd goes wild, everything is in synch and my dopamine peaks once again. For a while, I saw myself doing this on a regular basis as well. But once again, I didn’t follow through. I’m not exactly sure why, but I probably found a multitude of different excuses not to do it – despite knowing how much I enjoyed performing on a stage.

Now, I take a look at a picture which I put in its place more than five years ago. It’s a very different me with one particular idea in mind. There is a story in my head I want to tell. No, I need to tell. Even if nobody is listening.

It’s a story about a young woman who gets thrown into a world she doesn’t really understand and bears a burden which threatens to tear her apart. A story about the intimate connection she shares with her friends and how deeply they care for each other. A vision of a world which is so vastly different from ours but oddly familiar at the same time. Painful lessons in political intrigues, betrayal and deceit have to be learned when we accompany her on this journey.

The exploration of the many nuances of our shared experiences and that life never provides just a simple black or white answer but almost always a grey one. In short, I wanted to tell a story I wanted to read.

When I started writing the first pieces all those years ago, it looked very different from what it is today. Sometimes months could pass by, without me writing a single word but rarely a day would come and go, without me thinking at least once about this new world inside my head. Now, many drafts later, I can finally see a finish line. At least for the first part.

As you probably guessed by now, I’m talking about my first real book (and not just some random thoughts I scrapped together while super fucked up). My current goal is to finish it by end of the year and for once I’m actually quite confident in hitting that deadline.

I’m not completely sure how I’m planning to distribute it, since getting a publishing deal is a massive pain in the ass. It’s not unlikely that I will just do it myself via Amazon or other means. In any case: if you have followed my journey over those years and want to read but can’t afford to buy it, hit me up when it’s released, and I will gladly send you a copy.

Some of you have been reading my weird thoughts for years (yes, I actually notice the likes I get on my posts and remember those who’ve been around for a long time (one guy in particular, I think you know who you are)) and although I never really said it, I’m glad that my ideas find at least some resonance out there.

From The Ashes

This was probably one of the weirder announcements for a book release one could have written. But sometimes there’s purpose behind my actions.

We all have regrets. Dreams we let die. Things we said and did. We cannot turn back the time. We will never prevent ourselves from making the wrong decision. We only notice that in hindsight. Did I make the wrong decision by not becoming an actor? Probably. Do I regret it? Definitely. Am I dissatisfied with my current life? No.

One door closes, several others opens. Maybe I never would have gotten the time or the needed inspiration to spend hundreds of hours creating a completely fictional world. Basically hallucinating for several hours each day. In fact, writing is one of the passions I refused to turn into another broken dream.

I’ve written stories since I was a child. For me, it always was a form of escapism and coping. Growing up in a highly dysfunctional family and social environment, my writing helped me to not go completely crazy. Sure, I probably became more skilled and sophisticated over the years (at least I hope that my current style is above the level of a ten-year-old) but I always found it very soothing to create something purely with my mind.

Through writing I’ve met some of the most amazing people in my life. A few of my closest friends are only there because I started putting my thoughts into writing and posted them online. Writing connected me with so many people and even got me my current job. I could have never predicted the impact some of my words would have on me and other people. But something I never regretted was having the courage to share my ideas with others. Of course, if you dig deep enough, even on this very blog, you will find posts from a while ago I would certainly not write today. But to me, these serve as a reminder of the person I once was and how far I have come since then.

If I decided a year or two years ago to let this story in my head die as well, I’m not sure I would have recovered from this decision. Because it has been such an integral part to my thoughts every day for the past five years. I already invested too much to not finish and share it. Maybe nobody will like it in the end. That is okay. This story takes the same approach as this blog: I write it mainly for myself. If I can bring some joy or wisdom into other people’s lives along the way, then this is a nice added bonus but it’s never the sole intention behind my writing. But if, by any chance, you do like what I write, don’t hesitate to tell me. Artists like approval, I’ve been told.

I also wanted to provide you with another insight. Don’t dwell on your regrets. Learn from them and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Remember, you cannot please everyone and that’s okay.

A part of me has a big issue with imposter syndrome and perfectionism. Maybe I really fucked up some internal world building logic or my magic system has a fatal flaw nobody noticed until it’s too late. Maybe the pacing is super shit, the characters are boring and the plot utterly trivial. Maybe a lot more I can’t even begin to name.

But you know what? Fuck it. It’s my story. I have to like it and nobody else. I’m not reliant on earning any money with it. If a miracle happens und suddenly half the world loves what I do, you guys can tell them “I was here when that guy was nothing more than a fucked up mess in his little room”. Maybe I create a “10 years with Egotheist” award or something, who knows.

Anyway. Follow at least some of your passions. It’s rare, if you have the luxury to pursue them all but focus at least on a few, minimum one. Share and connect your work with others. Your passions are the ultimate expression of, well, you. Maybe you will be surprised how much people actually care to get to know the real you behind all the thousand faces we usually put up. You will never know the opportunities ahead, until you create the space for them to appear. I firmly believe that regrets are a fundamental part of our lives. They are a key element for us to learn and grow.

But sometimes we can achieve the same by simply following the ideas most important to us. Give it a try.