Illusion Of Control

Illusion Of Control

20.05.2019

Today was fascinating in many ways. Although I didn’t manage to work (although I had short impulses once in a while, which were suppressed by other things), most of the other parts of the action plan were successfully implemented. Especially the fact that after a few days break I finally started working out again and even managed to be in bed only a few minutes after 4 am. Although this day was not a hundred percent success, it was still more rewarding than the previous one. In addition, this morning, in a moment of phenomenal realization, I threw away the last bottle of alcohol (there are still some bitters here, they don’t really count). It was about 30€ for the quarter liter ending up in the drain. Objectively, of course, this was a waste of money, but the symbolic act was quite liberating. If you want get shit done, burn the boats. I also received the invitation to the first interview at the clinic today. Due date 15.07.2019. That means there are less than two months to go before I will finally be in therapeutic treatment again. But it was a good start. A step, in the right direction. Your arrogance will get you killed one day. Those were pretty much Maya’s words to me before she practically forced me to seek help. I know she was right about that. When I look at how much I have fallen, especially in the last few weeks, mentally and physically, her intervention was more than overdue. I wish I alone had the strength to do this, but wise advice can always be better given from the outside than applied to the situation at hand. Well then, the first step has been taken, now it is time to wait and see. But this idea of an action plan is a reasonable one. The question is, what does tomorrow look like? After getting up, a shower, then breakfast and some education. I guess I’ll wake up around 2 p.m., so I finish my morning meal around 3 or 3:30 p.m. Since tomorrow is Tuesday, it’s time to socialize and debate again. The bus for that leaves shortly after 6 pm. That leaves me about two and a half hours to work. Today instead I watched Game of Thrones and the sixth season of Ray Donovan and played No Man’s Sky. I think I can make better use of those two and a half hours tomorrow. On the one hand, I’ll be writing applications for new jobs. It’s time for me to get back in touch with money and people. Or vice versa. After that, I’m going to work on the chapter on the theory of science while listening to relaxing music. Fortunately, I have already done a good amount of preliminary work and added comments to the relevant passages. After I’ve done that, I’m off to university and debating. Social isolation is unhealthy or even deadly in the long run, I read today. True. The logical conclusion is to work against it. The evening, on the other hand, is somewhat questionable. I’ll probably spend some more time with the people from the club, but the goal should be that I leave for home around 11 pm. Once there, I can do what I’ve wanted to do for a long time: Include running in my training routine. Strength training is all fine and dandy, but I notice that my stamina leaves a lot to be desired, so it only makes sense if I work on it specifically. Especially when I think about the fact that I would like to actively do martial arts again in the foreseeable future. A good stamina is only an advantage there. After returning from running, I can end the evening relaxed with some kind of activity. If I would rather play games during the two and a half hours of productivity, I know how to prevent this by not starting Steam at all. Burn the boats and stuff. There’s also the Cold Turkey Blocker. That would be like “Nuke the whole fucking beach”. Smile. Anyway, the final goal for tomorrow is to be in bed by 3:00 a.m. at the latest. I’m trying to go to bed a little bit earlier to adjust my sleep rhythm. It can only get better than it is now anyway, so I am quite confident this is a good approach. Good, action plan set, now only the implementation remains. Huah!

Adapt. Implement. Overcome.

Adapt. Implement. Overcome.

19.05.2019

Life moves in very strange circles sometimes. Well, not mine. It currently runs in a very monotonous, very unhealthy, destructive, but certainly not strange circle. If I were to string together all the days of the past weeks like a snake of dominoes, most of them would differ at most in a few small details. I eat and drink almost the same thing every day, my activities are almost identically unproductive and my mood is either in the dump or at the level of complete indifference. At this point one could even look at it a bit optimistically: The “classic” borderline symptoms fade into the background, as they have almost no trigger, while a tangible depression takes its place. Depending on one’s perspective, this might be a step forward. However, in view of my current physical and mental condition, I dare to doubt it strongly. Hm. I have the feeling that I come to this point very often in the last days, where I realize that it can’t go on like this. Yet another cycle like that. Good. Problem recognized, danger averted. How’s that? How did I put it a while ago? It needs an action plan. Action! Yaha! My. Life. Is. Missing. Action. Definitely. I must break out of this utter monotony. That’s what I need the basics for. Starting with sleep. Tonight I will get as much sleep as my body deems necessary until it finally feels fit and rested again. Admittedly, the term “night” is a bit exaggerated considering the rays of sunshine running against my dark curtains, but at least the idea is what counts. After sleep is resolved, I will take a shower. Even before the first coffee and black tea. I firmly believe that this morning shower is necessary in order not to feel even more run-down than is often enough the case. Afterwards breakfast follows. For this I currently still lack the necessary ingredients, so I have to go shopping. As soon as I am back, I will prepare breakfast including coffee and tea, while I clean the kitchen and continue to listen to the course on neuroscience. Obviously, I am currently not able to concentrate at home. Ergo I have to get out of the house again. Off to the library. With tons of people running around. That’ s what headphones are for. I have to go out. Fuck Social Anxiety. Okay, I’m off to the library, where I’m finally gonna work on my book. Around 9 or 10 p.m. I will leave for home to start my workout immediately. Afterwards I can watch the season finale of Game of Thrones. I had just instinctively planned to postpone it until the morning, but no. Not this time. Emotional regulation and all. The final goal of the day is to be in bed by four o’clock at the latest, ideally already asleep, so leave the PC before then. Whenever I feel the need to simply hide away, I will remind myself that a change in my behaviour is necessary if I also want to feel changes in my perception in order to ultimately suffer less. Sounds like a pretty detailed action plan. I like it. Now all that’s left is to implement it. I can already feel the first inner resistance telling me what I could do instead. But no. There’s got to be a start back to normal. Or even any start in that direction. All the other things that my head is showing me right now and making me aware how pleasant they are, I have experienced during the past weeks and months. With what result? I feel as crappy as I haven’t felt in years. A human being needs occupation, otherwise it withers away just like a flower without sunlight. By the way, I could use some more of that. So it’s only to my advantage if I get out of my cave tomorrow. If I write myself an action plan like this every day for a while now, then it wouldn’t be so bad. Even better if I make it happen. My head is telling me right now not to go to the library, but to work here instead. Hmm. At least it would save some time. Okay, deal with myself: If I can stay focused and work here tomorrow, I can do it again. If instead I just loaf around all day again, I’ll go to the library among people in the future. My choice. Action plan with pointing finger. Good idea.

The Plan

The Plan

16.05.2019

I wonder if my not-so-sober brain is any more rational than I am. Under the influence of alcohol, it seems pretty clear to me what has to be done. But on days like today, with enough sleep, good nutrition and sport, things look quite different. Then my head imagines that I’m actually doing quite well, I don’t feel any serious symptoms and it’s quite enjoyable to be alive. In a way a somewhat paradoxical world. Well, one could mention as a legitimate point that I’ m writing these lines at 6:30 a.m. (which at least does justice to the title) and thus my sleep rhythm is once again quite chaotic, but who cares about details? I was thinking about going out with people sometime this weekend. I asked Alicia if we wanted to see each other. No answer yet. The usual. Sometimes it can be a strain on your patience when your friends are as antisocial as you are. I suppose that’s what you call the irony of history, or something like that. I have a plan for the time after getting up. Drink coffee and tea and then work on my book. I think this time in the morning (or whatever it is after I’ve woken up) makes the most sense, because I’m not yet stuck in any routine, but rested and ready to go to work with the powers of the night. I know that I am planning to do it at this point, but as soon as it comes to implementation, all kinds of motivational obstacles will once again get in my way. Fortunately, I still have the Cold Turkey Blocker, which I have probably subconsciously not used for several weeks for very clear reasons. All the more so, the current situation seems to me to be an excellent opportunity to break precisely this cycle of unproductivity. After all, I have managed to establish a routine like this one here, just as I do exercise very regularly. Integrating new habits is definitely not witchcraft, and I am confident that with the right form of nudging I can achieve similar success when it comes to working on what is probably the most important project of my life so far. I have already invested so much time in it and have a very concrete plan of how the final product should look like. And if I have to force myself to write at least one page every day, then so be it. In the end it will be more than this one page anyway, but the most important thing is that I manage to take this first step and finally start again. Habits are the building blocks of our life. Every day a little bit more, this is how I can succeed in completing this project. This will require the support of external mechanisms at the beginning, but once the foundation blocks have been laid, the rest will follow automatically. I am confident that a higher level of measurable productivity will make me feel more satisfied and balanced, as I will have been able to pursue the goals that have been with me for so long. As I recently learned and later wrote, we humans have an evolutionary need for goal fulfillment and the setting of these goals. One cannot not plan, I once wrote and these words still apply. As soon as I succeed in overcoming my inner blockades and continue this project, other problems will also become marginalized. Another advantage of the continuous work is that I can expand my intellectual horizon every day. This is something I have always been very keen on anyway, because nothing seems worse (or more tragic) to me than waking up one day with a narrow-minded world view and vehemently resisting changing one’s own views or even one’s actions one iota. Occasionally, however, this very change is the necessary spark that sets off a chain reaction of positive events. Is there a guarantee for this? Certainly not, but the attempt alone should be worth the effort to at least do the best we can to increase the probability. Now these words sound again like the typical motivational babble, but since I find it quite difficult to keep my eyes open anyway, it shouldn’t be surprising if my eloquence suffers a little bit. The tiredness takes its toll and I am inclined to pay it. Tomorrow will be a productive day. I’m sure it will be.