I’m not the person the voices in my head keep telling me about.
I don’t want to be that person.
Not anymore.
I’ve been that person.
I’ve hurt people. I’ve abused people. I’ve destroyed lives.
All I can do is fall down on my knees and beg for forgiveness.
And every single time I think about it, I feel like a hypocrite.
Because the voices are still there.
Telling me to not give a fuck. To exploit, to move on, to leave nothing but ash behind.
I wish I could right every wrong I ever did. But I know I can’t. I cannot undo the pain I caused. The trauma. The despair.
This is not a cry for pity or empathy. I know I don’t deserve either. It’s an acknowledgement of what has been and of what I did. There’s no justice. No grand jury out there to convict me. The torment of my own mind is the only punishment I’ll ever receive, and I know that will never be enough.
No matter how much I suffer, I deserve so much worse. I’ll never be able to rectify some of the worst things I did to other people.
I walk through life wearing a mask. Smile, nod, bow, accept. Nobody sees the animal beneath. The beast I imprisoned so many years ago. Nobody but me.
I know it’s there. It always has been. Trying to tear its chains apart. Screaming to be unleashed once more.
Sometimes it’s just a whisper in the dark. Barely audible, just a faint noise. But there are times when I feel its anger. Its hunger. Its need. To feed, to hunt, to control. To rip apart everything I built. To watch it all burn to the ground.
How do you describe evil?
A while ago, I asked someone I used to be very close to if they thought I’d let them see my raw, unfiltered persona. And despite them knowing I already showed them more than most people, they knew they were only scratching the surface. They never saw the animal inside its cage.
They never saw the anger. The fury. The hate. The rage.
I’m glad they never did. Not a single person in my life does these days.
But it wasn’t always like that. The only person who ever accompanied me on the journey into the darkness has been gone for years now. I can’t blame them. It was the right decision. The only person I ever really loved; the only person who kept me alive. The only person who could reach me, no matter how strong the beast’s grip on me was. The only person I could never hurt. Couldn’t even think about harming in any way. I could never be angry with. Never blame.
The only person who gave me an understanding of what unconditional love really means.
A connection forged through trauma and despair. Two souls who met in such an unlikely way and shared such a unique bond.
I’m fairly certain I’ll never talk to her again and to this day I don’t understand why. Can only speculate. All I can do is be grateful for all the memories we shared. The once in a lifetime experience I was able to live through thanks to her. The depth and intensity of my emotional capabilities when I’m for once not too afraid of showing them.
You’re probably never going to read these words, but in the unlikely case you are:
I’m grateful to have been part of your life for a few years. You saved me from myself when nobody else could. A debt I’ll never be able to repay. I hope you are living your best life, wherever you might be. I know how much you’ve struggled, and your past has haunted you. I hope you’ve found your much deserved peace. I want you to be happy. To be taken care of. To be loved.
The tears I shed while writing these words are just a testament of how deeply I still care about you after all these years. No one else comes even close. If one day, all hell breaks loose and you don’t know where to turn, I’ll still be there. That’s the promise I gave you fifteen years ago and that’s the promise I will carry to my grave. Even if I never hear your voice again, I will always remember you. Never forget what an amazing human being you are, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
What now?
It’s weird. When I started writing this, my mind was in a much darker place. But for some reason it brought back memories of a better time. The voices are still there. But their volume is turned down.
For now, I found some odd melancholic peace, born out of nostalgia of what has been. I take it. Better than the alternative.
The pain I feel about losing you keeps me grounded. Reminds me of the better version I strive to be. The one you created so many years ago. If anything, I keep that animal inside its cage to protect your memory. What you endured for me. How much you cared. I don’t want to stain that. You might be gone but not forgotten.
Thank you.
For everything.
Egotheist 