Dealing with emotions is something I would like to avoid given the chance. Even the slightest feeling of real or more often imaginary rejection causes intense emotional pain. There is no antidote. It just happens. Sometimes I manage to control the duration but the severity usual remains the same. Every thought about the many whys and hows only increases the amount of suffering I experience but stopping my mind from exploring these paths is a near impossible task. At least at this stage. Being sleep deprived as fuck doesn’t help either. My mind is wandering around amidst the gods of darkness and chaos. The soothing voice of Erebus is calling me. I can feel his soft fingers on my skin, his dark embrace is pulling me deeper into the shadows with every minute passing by. Nothing there to stop him. Soon, all that is left are cold shadows inside an icy darkness. Not much to see here, keep on walking. My heart aches with every thought about what I possibly did wrong. Probably nothing. Or everything. Soon it will be over. It always fades. Not even the pain will stay forever. One day, my sweet void will be back. He will force open Erebus’ mighty grasp around my body and comfort me with emptiness. It’s better to feel nothing than to feel too much. The void won’t kill me, but the emotional despair might.
I have no idea how to properly regulate my emotions at this point. I tried meditating. Exercising. Distraction. Nothing works. My mind wanders all the time towards the same thoughts. It feels drawn to it. How can that be? It seems like I am punching a rusty nail inside my heart, over and over again although I know the attempt to feel or experience anything different than intense pain is futile. Nothing will change. This pain is just too real and it will stay with me for a while. Fuck. It’s always the same shit. The people closest to me are the most fucked up ones as well. And I cannot burden them with this shit. I haven’t properly spoken to Maya or Alice in months, let alone seen them. Only a few text messages in between. Been about two years without seeing Maya and almost one without Alice. Way too long. I crave their company. The time spent together. All these beautiful moments we shared. Too much time has passed. Both are stuck in their own messed up lives with their own fucked up minds. Not much I can do about that. Fuck it. All of it. I am losing control about myself with every day passing. No idea for how long I will be able to bear this shit before I break down.
Erebus is calling, once again. He reminds me of the soothing tip of my blade. Of the sudden relief it can provide me. Just one small cut. Then another. And maybe another one. Not too deep, to avoid scars and questions. Can’t be seen in public with these cuts. Joke’s on you, I am not even going outside right now.
I miss the days in which I always had a bottle of benzos right in front of me. The good ones. Heavy stuff. Usually took only one or two to numb me enough, so I could sleep without any difficulties. Good times. Now it’s just me, my despair and the resulting pain. And The Knife of Erebus, of course. It will always be there for me, like an old friend who visits you in your darkest hours. Not to provide help but an illusion of control. A good one. Makes you forget all the other shit.
I’m asking myself whether this constant pain in my heart will have any lasting side effects. Hopefully not but I can’t be sure. The human body is a complex system and exposing it to constant stress without any time off, seems to be a pretty bad idea. But do I have a choice? If yes, which one? What’s the alternative? Simply don’t think about it? Fuck it. As if it is so easy.
Void, where are you? I just want you back, dear friend. Embrace me once more with your soothing touch. Let me drown inside an ocean of blissful emptiness. Why did I ever questioned myself whether to feel something or nothing would be better? For me, the latter is obviously the only viable option. It’s either that or a sheer endless road of suffering and despair. With grass soaked in blood. I can see Erebus’ cynical smile. He knows what’s coming. He always does. Just leans back and enjoys the show. Fuck it. Blood hides inside the shadows. I heed your calling. I have no other choice anyway. At least I’m not alone.