I know. I am not writing as much as I should. And I feel guilty about it. Satisfied?
Weird thing is, there is constantly so much shit going on inside my mind that I would have a lot to write about. But instead I dwell in different things. Work, video games, movies, exercise, eat, sleep, repeat. Day after day after day after day. An endless grind into the void. Stagnation is death. Although I don’t even stagnate as much. I work out more, I am quite satisfied with my job and live genuinely healthier than a few months before. I even quit drinking. Finally. Granted, I had one big slip up which was pretty fucked up but roads without holes are the stuff of fairy-tales anyway. I am getting better. Slowly. One step after the other.
There is always a but.
Never going to be easy with this guy.
The elephant in the room. This whole story with Elyon fucked me up pretty much. I wish my brain wouldn’t get attached so fast to people who seem to be interesting and trustworthy. Without Taira I would probably be messed up even more right now. She was painfully right when she said that I seem to have very low standards to whom I get attached to – especially in comparison to the extremely high standards I have set for other areas of my life. Problem is: I don’t really know how to control this shit. Most likely that I am just incredibly desperate for any kind of positive attention at this point. Even the slightest sign of affection cuts deep into my emotional wiring, scrambles with the loose connections and establishes new ones. My mind, my heart, they crave affection – no matter the risks or consequences. Which is, obviously, quite the unhealthy trait. I cling to every emotional straw my fingers can grasp. Even if I lose myself in the process. And did I lose myself. Again. Been a couple of months now since she vanished from my life. Do I blame her? I could never. I never expected anything. Just hoped for a friendship which never fully developed. Dreams got crushed before they could even form their full potential. Doesn’t matter now. Been a long time since I cut myself so often on a regular basis. Physical pain is a bliss. It numbs everything else. It soothes my internal despair. I hope she never reads this. I don’t want her to feel guilty. She is not responsible for my fucked-up brain and its issues.
There were so many times when I asked myself what I did wrong. How another developing friendship crumbles to ashes through my fingers. I wish I had answers but I might never get them. There is no happy end here, this isn’t fucking Hollywood.
And now? I have no clue. I can’t forget her. Just sit it out. Wait until the pain fades. Might take months. Or years. I have no idea. I know I will survive this story as well. I always do. Just one more broken image added to the collection. If you do easy things, life will be hard – if you do hard things, life will be easy. Fuck this bullshit. Have you ever tried living life with a brain like mine? Almost every single fucking positive thing has to be conquered, fought over it. Every fucking achievement is like playing on nightmare difficulty mode when even your own body permanently tries to fucking kill you. Or at least makes it as uncomfortable as possible. Wanna study and have a successful academic career? Would be a shame, if you couldn’t cope with the stress connected to that. Wanna meet this amazing new person? Too bad, you already spoiled everything by telling them about the fucking mess called your personality.
Fuck this shit.
Fuck all of it.
Fuck this endless bottom of doubt and self-pity. I fucking hate it. I just want to rip it out, break its neck, pour a canister of gasoline over its ugly corpse and torch the shit out of it. I want it gone, dead, and never coming back. It would be well deserved. That’s what you get for ruining my fucking life. What a wonderful imagination. Too bad it’s not as simple as I would like to.
Only time will tell.
I imagine myself going outside. It’s winter. Cold. The streets are empty. I feel snowflakes on my fingertips. I close my eyes and turn my face towards the blue above me. More and more snowflakes are hitting my cheeks, my eyelids, my lips. My tongue tastes one of them. It’s cold. Of course. I focus on my breathing. It’s calm. I can feel my face becoming numb from the coldness. In time, my heart will feel the same numbness towards Elyon. She will just be a distant shadow from the past. A faint memory of what once was. It will take a while. It always does. Time is a matter of perspective. Joy is fleeting while pain lasts for eternity. But nothing lives forever. Not even pain. Every day, every cut, every scream is one step closer towards healing. Even if I hate every minute of it. In the end pain goes by and I will smile tasting snowflakes from the sky.

You are a decent human being. Behave accordingly.

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